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28.3.06

Five Terrible Things About Doing Forty Minutes On The Treadmill Every Bastard Morning

"Nothing’s ever gonna happen ‘round here if we don’t make it happen. Sleep away the day if you want to, but I got something that I gotta do."

1. I have to turn my iPod up to ear-splitting volume because really, nothing says "you fat bastard," like the sound of two-hundred and twenty pounds bouncing up and down on a treadmill. They can probably hear me in the next state.

2.There's nothing fun about being fairly sure one or both of your lungs just imploded.

3. They may not show it, but those Mexican gardeners are laughing at me.

4. The only way I can feel good about myself is by imagining sports experts on some mythical show wondering if somebody will one day run an eleven minute mile.

5. It fucking hurts.

25.3.06

Burn Him

"I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time, I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter tied to this fucking couch!"

When you're sitting watching the first half an hour or so of The Thing in the dark, the last thing you need to happen is for your cat to start coughing and spasming.

For the record, it was probably a hairball or something, and he was fine. I mean, I shit my pants, but the cat was just peachy.

24.3.06

Blah Blah Blah Apocryphal Tale

"Revenge, I'm screaming revenge again. Wrong, I've been wrong for far too long. Been constantly so frustrated; I've moved mountains with less. When I channel my hate to productive, I don't find it hard to impress."

One of the things about not smoking, about trying to watch what I eat, about putting myself through the torture of the bike and the gym every day, about being unable to extricate myself from the clutches of the USCIS without first giving them still more money, tracking down more forms I've never been given, answering questions I don't understand, and being made to wait and wait and wait and fucking wait...one of the things about this state of affairs is that it tends to make one irritable.

Yesterday, for example, we added up the cost of this latest round of forms and found that it was in the region of $600. This, by the way, is if I don't leave the country while my Status is being Adjusted. That costs an additional $170. That's right, even though we were made to pay an extortionate amount of money to get me here in the first place, even though the USA still actually regards me as a visitor, I'm not allowed to leave unless I pay them for the privilege. That is, unless I do something illegal, in which case I'll be deported at the taxpayer's expense.

All of which makes about as much sense as anything else related to this whole Visa process. For example, I had a medical and enough different injections to constitute attempted murder as a part of the process I went through to get a visa in the first place. Now, however, I'm expected to go through it again as part of the Adjustment Of Status. But that's okay, because they know I've had the medical and the injections, otherwise I wouldn't be here, right? Wrong. You see, nothing's ever that simple and logical. What I have to do is present proof of my inoculations to a civil surgeon. This information should be in my medical records. But get this, my GP in the UK lost my medical records when they switched over to a New And Improved system of keeping said records. I know this because four months ago I had to have four inoculations I knew for a fact I'd had before simply because I couldn't prove I'd had them. This cost me eighty pounds or approximately $130. Amazingly, my current situation of having nothing to prove I've had those inoculations twice except a receipt for the aforementioned payment, might mean going through the needle thing a third time. At my own expense.

You know, heaven forbid somebody from the Nuffield hospital in Birmingham send an e-mail to somebody at the Chicago office of the USCIS saying "Dear Bureaucratic Fucker, Michael is more immune than anybody I have ever met. Yours sincerely, Money-Grubbing Bastard."

In about two years time, I'll be a permanent resident of the United States. I'll probably also be destitute. And I'll have had so many injections that I will, in fact, be immortal.

Oh, and while we're here, and while I'm angry, let's get back to a pet hate of mine from some time ago. Remember Lynne Truss? She wrote Eats, Shoots & Leaves, the oh-so-hilarious-and-relevant ramble about declining standards in grammar and punctuation. It was a big hit at the time, mainly because of the terrifying decline in the standard of written and spoken English in both the UK and the United States. Of course, rather than going out and actually doing something about a very real problem - like, say, spending a little money on certain woeful education systems - people went out and bought a twee and trendy book instead. Nice work, Lynne.

So it's come to my attention that Lynne Truss has just bought out a new book entitled Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door. I'm not going to link it, because that might encourage some of you to go and buy the thing. Just so you don't, I shall, without reading any of it, summarise for you:

"People are rude. They don't say 'please' and 'thank you' and 'excuse me' anymore. They talk on mobile phones in situations where it's rude to do so. Blah blah blah apocryphal tale. Blah blah blah historical aside. Blah Blah Blah witty riposte. People are rude. The End."

Earth-shattering. Truly. The scales have fallen from my fucking eyes, Lynne. Feel free to take your place alongside JK Rowling as one of the voices of the civilised world, a world that now appears to be made up entirely of children who need to be told how to behave and read fairytales before bed.

I'm done.

22.3.06

Sixteen Days

"I don’t know what it is they think I’m gonna try, they don’t know what they need to fear. The surest sign that the end is coming soon is right there in the bathroom mirror."

this is an audio post - click to play

21.3.06

New Depths

"What the hell is your name, and can you explain this mess? It seems you're playing a game, where you only know how to take out the best. 'Cause if assholes could fly, this place would be busier than O'Hare. There's proof in the sky. It's as thick as our skulls yet it's thinner than air."

I see they're referring to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as 'Tomkat' now. I have to tell you, dear readers, that makes my teeth itch. To be fair, this celebrity-couples-with-one-name thing has been bothering me for a while, but I think I'm about to go over the high side.

'Cause here's the thing: I hate celebrity. I hate celebrity couples. I thought 'Bennifer' was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard when they coined it to describe the horror of Ben 'Two Facial Expressions' Affleck's ten second engagement to a woman whose chief contribution to society is having a fat arse. I thought 'Brangelina' was the name of a new charity where disadvantaged kids get adopted by the kind of mother that likes knives, blood, kissing her siblings, and Billy Bob Thornton, and the kind of father that could be in Meet Joe Black. And now, as if the diminutive Mr. Scientology and the oddly-mouthed talent-void we call Katie Holmes weren't bad enough separately, they have - like some kind of twisted Power Rangers baddie - combined to create...Tomkat.

And people will care, and people will use the term to describe them, and my disdain for the human race will plumb new depths. Because if there's one thing I hate more than celebrity couples and celebrity magazines, it's people who buy into them. That right there is a religion even Scientology could look at and go, "Wow, that's damaging to society."

18.3.06

There's No "I" In "Meme"

"Just look at the face; vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet."

I happened upon this particular meme over at Chris's Blog, From A Whisper To A Scream. Been a while since I've done anything like this, so why the hell not, eh?

1) What would you do if you could be a member of the opposite sex for one day?
Answer some questions that have bugged me for many years.

2) What animal do you most identify with?
I always find it hardest to answer the simplest questions. No idea. I don't really notice animals.

3) If you could wipe out one group of people off the face of the earth, no repercussions, who would the group be and why?
I wouldn't. I could answer if you were talking individuals, but you can't judge a group.

4) OK, you get to have any magical power you want. What do you pick?
The ability to change my appearance, to look like anyone I want to.

5) Would you pick the boat, or the mystery box? (a boat is just a boat, but the mystery box..that could be anything. It could even be a boat!)
The box. What the fuck would I do with a boat?

6) How do you want do die?
I wanna be the guy that says, "Go on, I'll only slow you down," and is then heard screaming "COME ON, YOU UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS!" over automatic gunfire and alien shrieks of pain. Seriously.

7) How do you want to live?
Like it's a movie about me.

8) Is there any character trait, action, or belief in another person that would make you lose all interest in them immediately?
No.

9) If you had the power to legalize one illegal thing, what would it be?
That's a tough choice to have to make, but I think I'd choose drugs. It's my belief that, in the long-term, such a move would be of the most benefit to society as a whole. There are a lot of reasons why I think that. Maybe I'll go into them in a later post.

10) Do you eat any foods in an odd way?
Nothing in particular, although I eat every meal in order of preference, leaving my favourite part of it until last.

11) Have you ever had a supernatural experience?
I don't believe in the supernatural.

12) Have you ever thought about something and had it come true?
Yes, but it wasn't because I thought about it.

13) What was the worst experience you've ever had in a relationship?
When my girlfriend cheated on me by attending an orgy.

14) Ever switch your religion?
If you count switching from agnostic to atheist at the age of thirteen, yes.

15) What comes first: your lover or your family?
I'm married.

16) What do you want done with your body once you die?
You can play football with my head for all I care.

17) Are you attracted to a particular sign of the zodiac?
No. I don't believe in astrology.

18) Were you ever really good at something you really didn't like doing?
Not that I can think of offhand.

19) Is there a word or phrase you used to use that you would feel really embarrassed using now? (Ex. Phat; as if, etc.)
I recycle crap phrases on a regular basis. In fact, I pride myself on horrifying people by suddenly dredging up things from the early nineties.

20) You have 5 hours left to live. What do you do?
Everything.

21) If you had to, would you eat another human to survive?
Yes.

22) You're walking down the street with your best friend, when all of a sudden two people come out of nowhere. One grabs your friend and starts beating them up, bad. The other tells you you'd better not help, because their friend has a knife, and they will use it. But you don't see a knife. They don't even have their hands in their pockets. What do you do?
Wade on in.

23) Do you have a victory dance?
I do. I even have a name for it: The Wounded Cow Dance, known in some circles as The Horny Buffalo Shuffle.

24) Have you started using any phrases that you heard someone use on TV, in the movies, or in a book?
Too many times. I'm a culture junkie.

25) Did you ever have to wear a uniform for anything in your life?
School.

26) Is there a situation that you still look back on, going over it in your head again and again, thinking of ways you could have handled it better?
If so, what? Or if there are a lot, pick one.

When I was twelve or thirteen, I got into a fight with some gypsy kids. I really let them bully me before I finally responded. I felt weak and ashamed about that for years afterward.

27) What's your favorite object that serves no real purpose?
Everything serves a purpose.

28) Pro-life or pro-choice? Why?
Pro-choice. Have you seen the pro-lifers?

29) For or against the death penalty? Why?
Against. I lack faith in our system of criminal justice.

30) For or against gay marriage? Why?
For. You can't legislate love.

31) Your first born child just told you they're gay. How do you feel?
I don't see how I would feel anything. I guess I'd feel I'd raised them right if they could be honest about who they were and what they felt.

32) Is there anyone in your life worth going to jail for?
Yup.

33) Have you ever said something really clever to one of those annoying telemarketers? If so, what?
I wasted all my best lines on the Jehovah's Witnesses.

34) What's your favorite weapon?
Against what?

35) Were you ever a victim of abuse?
No.

36) Which celebrity can't you stand that everyone seems to love?
I loathe celebrity in general. Just pick a reality TV star.

37) Is there any food that is almost guaranteed to make you sick?
Peppers.

38) Do you screen your calls when you don't recognize the number, or does your curiosity get the better of you?
I never answer the phone if I don't know who it is.

39) How's your self-esteem?
I'm a little fatter than I'd like to be, otherwise I'm the same egocentric bastard I've been for as long as I can remember.

Run, Habit, Run

"Sitting on the bed, or lying wide awake, there's demons in my head and it's more than I can take. I think I'm on a roll, but I think it's kinda weak. Saying all I know is I gotta get away from me."

Before we begin, I'd like you all to go and read this.

Done? All good. Now you too know how to break a habit.

Or maybe not. I'm in a good position to be able to take issue with this what's written in that WikiHow, so - true to form - that's exactly what I'm going to do. Let us rock:

Your brain does not process negative thoughts.

What? WHAT? That makes no sense. How can your brain not process negative thoughts? If that was the case, nobody, when given the choice between doing and not doing something, would ever choose the latter. If somebody put a gun in your hand and then pointed it at somebody's head, you'd shoot them every time.

Habits are learned mental reflexes to specific stimuli in the environment. It’s reflex because you’ve done it so long that your mind no longer thinks about doing the habit, you just do it (like breathing.)

No, it's not like breathing. Breathing is not a habit, it's a biological imperative. Either you're very stupid, or you really need to think about your sentence construction. Possibly both.

It takes 30 days to form a pattern and 90 days to form a habit.

I loathe statements like this. Who says it takes 30 days to form a pattern and 90 days to form a habit? On what basis do they say it? Where's the evidence? And even if you can produce it, there are massive generalisations here that need qualifying.

1. You should know what triggers your habit. You approach a situation where your habit will be triggered, watch what you do every step. When you get the urge to perform your habit, don’t! And don’t think about not doing the habit either, just continue on.
2. Do not think about the habit, move on to something else. Do not tell yourself that “you’re not going to do the habit�? that translates into “your going to do the habit�?! Watch what you think, make sure you don’t start having negative self talk.


This is just babble. It's impossible to think about not thinking about something. Think about it. Or don't think about it. Or don't think about not thinking about it. The end result is the same in all three cases. And don't even get me started on 'negative self talk'.

At first you’ll have problems catching yourself, but as time goes on (and you avoid the negative self talk) it’ll get easer. By 90days you’ll have forgotten that you even used to have the habit. If you set a reminder in 90days you’ll look back and think “Oh yea I used to do that didn’t I?�?

As in: "Oh yeah, I used to talk utter bollocks and overpunctuate to an alarming extent, but ever since I taught myself to not think about not thinking about something and learned to avoid the horrors of negative self talk..."

You break a habit by consistently and deliberately not indulging that habit until such time as it is no longer a habit. End of story.

16.3.06

Public Service Announcement

"Time and time again, translation seems to sabotage the words. You know, what is said is not what is heard. Damn this mean device, it makes a whispering man sound as if he cries. It's the pinnacle of what is typical."

I just wanted you all to know that, while working on the novel today, I typed the following sentence:

"So while he had given up drugs, and he did see today as the first day of the rest of his life, he didn’t want it to come out like it was a cry for help, like he was one of those celebrity fuckbags who’d do whatever came their way, whine about their five minute marriages, and then miraculously find a God they’d already disproved the existence of by not drowning in their own vomit."

Thing is, I'm working on Jenn's computer and in Works Word Processor, a program I'm not entirely familiar with. So, while I thought I'd nailed the spellcheck settings before I got started, WWP begged to differ, and - while I was busy finishing the paragraph - switched 'fuckbags' for 'buckbeans'.

Obviously.

Anyway, just so we're clear on this:

Buckbean - A perennial herb (Menyanthes trifoliata) native to the Northern Hemisphere and having trifoliate leaves and clusters of white, pink, or purplish flowers.

Fuckbag - e.g. Ben Affleck.

13.3.06

Visa Brainteasers

"This could be your lucky day in hell. Never know who it might be at your doorbell."

Today, I thought I might provide you with some sample questions from form I-485, which is one of several I have to fill out as a part of the Adjustment Of Status process. These particular questions are from Part 3, and may only be answered by checking a box marked 'yes' or 'no'.

Have you ever, in or outside the United States, knowingly committed any crime of moral turpitude or a drug-related offense for which you have not been arrested?

Whoa. Hold up there just one second, Mr. Question. You appear to be asking me to admit to crimes I've successfully pulled off without arrest. Uh...just to clarify, those would be crimes the authorities don't know about...

Hahahahaha...you must be out of your fucking mind.

Do you intent to engage in the United States in espionage?

Yes. I am a spy. Oh, shit. That was a trick question, wasn't it? You devious bastards.

Have you ever engaged in genocide, or otherwise ordered, incited, assisted or otherwise participated in the killing of any person because of race, religion, nationality, ethnic origin or political opinion?

Several years ago, I beat a Welshman to death with a sturdy oak beam because I couldn't understand what he was saying.

Do you plan to practice polygamy in the United States?

I need permission?

I hate these fucking forms.

11.3.06

The Curve Ball Conspiracy

"Stop sending letters; letters always get burned. It's not like the movies. They fed us on little white lies"

Jenn and I have been threatening to collaborate on something for months, pretty much ever since I discovered Jenn had ambitions in a photographic direction and bought her a digital camera for Christmas. I'm pleased to announce that our first project has just gotten underway.

The idea behind The Curve Ball Conspiracy is simple. Jenn will take a photo of some description, and then I will write a short piece to accompany that photo. It's supposed to be fun as opposed to spectacularly arty and meaningful, but if it takes us into deeper waters, I won't be complaining. And hell, if it takes off, maybe other people can take photos or write accompanying fiction/poetry/whatever.

It's an interesting idea, regardless of where it goes, so head on over and check out the first post.

9.3.06

Brief Babble

"The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn't require any."

Believe it or not, I'm experiencing some dull days this week. The suck of it is that Jenn's at work from six until two weekdays and at class from four until seven on Thursdays, so I've spent every day since Tuesday amusing myself on the computer. This might sound like a big bundle of fun, but it's kind of frustrating because what I really want to do is write, and as long-time readers will know, that becomes an issue when you combine it with the cigarette thing. Right now, it's three days since I quit, and I'm through the worst of the withdrawal. What's causing me a problem now is the psychological aspect of quitting, which makes it really hard at times when I would ordinarily have a cigarette. I smoke most when sat at the PC writing. In fact, it's fair to say I smoke like a fucking chimney when sat at the PC writing.

I will get started on the novel...I will get started on the novel...I will get started on the novel.

I'm really struggling for shit to say here, and there's this mirage of a pack of Marlboro and an ashtray in my peripheral vision. And my teeth hurt.

Stick a fork in me.

8.3.06

It'll Make An Awesome T-Shirt

"Fill in the shadows of a certain corner; you used to sit there. Got me a brand new lamp, plugged it in, and now the dark don't fit there."

Things are back to something approaching stability here in The Darkened Room. I am fully recovered from jetlag, engaged in recovering from cultural lag, and just about ready to start spending my days buried in many creative projects, a couple of which will eventually be blogs of a kind. Of which more...some other time. I'm a ways away from actually debuting these projects, so we'll leave the speculation until then.

I'm such a tease.

Okay, okay...provided Jennifer's cat doesn't kill me first, I'll be working on Scratch (the long long long long long awaited novel) from now through until May/June. That'll be my main concern. In addition to that, I'll be working on a couple of other things which I'll be testing in blog form with a view to maybe giving them their own pages if they prove interesting and/or popular. One of those is a collaboration with Jenn, something we've been wanting to do for a while. The other will be...well...it'll make an awesome T-shirt.

That's it for now. I'm on day two of yet another attempt to quit smoking, and I'm in no mood to sit at the computer. More tomorrow.