New Depths

"What the hell is your name, and can you explain this mess? It seems you're playing a game, where you only know how to take out the best. 'Cause if assholes could fly, this place would be busier than O'Hare. There's proof in the sky. It's as thick as our skulls yet it's thinner than air."

I see they're referring to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as 'Tomkat' now. I have to tell you, dear readers, that makes my teeth itch. To be fair, this celebrity-couples-with-one-name thing has been bothering me for a while, but I think I'm about to go over the high side.

'Cause here's the thing: I hate celebrity. I hate celebrity couples. I thought 'Bennifer' was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard when they coined it to describe the horror of Ben 'Two Facial Expressions' Affleck's ten second engagement to a woman whose chief contribution to society is having a fat arse. I thought 'Brangelina' was the name of a new charity where disadvantaged kids get adopted by the kind of mother that likes knives, blood, kissing her siblings, and Billy Bob Thornton, and the kind of father that could be in Meet Joe Black. And now, as if the diminutive Mr. Scientology and the oddly-mouthed talent-void we call Katie Holmes weren't bad enough separately, they have - like some kind of twisted Power Rangers baddie - combined to create...Tomkat.

And people will care, and people will use the term to describe them, and my disdain for the human race will plumb new depths. Because if there's one thing I hate more than celebrity couples and celebrity magazines, it's people who buy into them. That right there is a religion even Scientology could look at and go, "Wow, that's damaging to society."