Send via SMS

30.4.06

Stephen Colbert: American Hero

"If anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers and somebody from the N.S.A. will be right over with a cocktail."

There's about twenty five minutes worth of video here, but I assure you it's worth it. This is Stephen Colbert addressing the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, and making a large number of people - including President Bush - look really awkward and uncomfortable. I said this a couple of weeks back, but I truly believe Colbert is making some of the most relevant, fantastic comedy I've seen in a good few years. Don't believe me? Check it out...

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

29.4.06

Five-Word Reviews

"Gentlemen, if you're going to preach, for God's sake preach with conviction."

I'm planning a rather large post, but it needs a little more time to gestate. Thursday was our wedding anniversary, so Jenn and I are in the middle of a four day weekend which I will not interrupt with serious thoughts. We went to the Cheesecake Factory Thursday night, where I ate the fattest burger the world has ever seen (seriously, that motherfucker was like two inches thick, and it screamed when I bit into it) and still had room for a white chocolate, peanut butter, and truffle cheesecake. I'm not normally so enthused by food, but the diet and the gym-time has taken its toll, and now anything with fat and/or sugar makes me bounce with joy.

Anyway, today is Saturday, and Saturday is the day that Jenn and I say fuck you to our various attempts to quit various things. We get a bottle of bourbon and a bunch of movies, order take-out, and veg. This means that I have seen just about all the interesting new DVD releases that have come out in the past few months. SO...it's five-word review time. Let us rumble...

The Ice Harvest: Nothing to write home about.

Walk The Line: Not as great as promised.

Jarhead: Quite underrated, would you believe?

Goodnight, And Good Luck: Sadly, a little lacking in feeling.

A History Of Violence: Critically acclaimed why? This sucked.

Capote: Hoffman great, film above average.

Brokeback Mountain: Unremarkable, except for the cinematography.

Broken Flowers: Slow moving, but not bad.

King Kong: Why the fuss? It's shit.

Serenity: Best sci-fi flick in forever.

Wallace And Gromit: The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit: This was actually really funny.

The Family Stone: Sarah Jessica Parker is Satan.

Match Point: Oh, my God. Woody, why?

The Aristocrats: Patchy but fun, I guess.

Everything Is Illuminated: This was absolutely the shit.

And there you have it.

26.4.06

In The Event Of A Collision

"Black palm trees sway, they whisper to the purple sky. Close your eyes and feel the ghosts of Hollywood gone by. Still the dreamers come, still the dreams are left to die. Behind the lights, a necropolis lies."

The last time I'd looked at the clock, it had been quarter to midnight. Since then, I'd been tossing and turning, trying to find a place where the mattress fit my body. Outside were voices and a repetitive tapping just loud enough to creep into my ears and knock on the part of my brain that makes me grind my teeth and clench my jaw. When I opened my eyes, I could see the rhythmic flash of someone's blinkers cutting through the blinds, leaving an intermittent orange stain on the wall. They'd either broken down or they couldn't get through the elctronic gate to the student parking opposite. Either way, it was something mechanical. I closed my eyes.

The flash of light came first, electric blue lighting up the world outside so that Jenn and I jerked upright just in time for the explosion.

"What the fuck was that?" I murmured, blinking sleep out of my eyes, wondering if I was dreaming.

"I don't know, lightning?" Jenn replied. She was already out of bed, grabbing clothes and heading for the door.

I looked at the clock. "The power's out. I thought maybe someone was working on the gate across the road..."

We went to the window. The street outside was peaceful enough, but a crowd was already gathering on the corner of Yorba Linda, pointing up the street towards the freeway exit. From the excited burble of the rubberneckers below, we gathered a car accident of some kind. Of course, everybody had a different story, and even when we went downstairs, the only things we could say for sure were those we could see with our own eyes. The electricity was out because the power lines hung limp and dead about halfway to the ground. The reason why was lost in a crowd of flashing lights. If it was a car accident, it was a pretty major one.

There was nothing more to see or say, so we returned to bed and lay listening to the voyeurs until they too began to drift away. By the time I fell asleep, all was quiet.

Jenn got ready for work by candle light, and when I rolled out of bed a couple of hours later, there was still no electricity. That meant no shower, no PC, and no TV. It also meant no oven, microwave, fridge, or freezer. I lay in bed listening to my iPod for a while, then decided this was a good opportunity to take my running experience out onto the streets of Orange County. After all, no electricity also meant no treadmill.

It was a cool, clear morning, despite the storms the television had predicted before it died. I jogged out onto Associated feeling almost absurdly upbeat, the muscles in my legs stretching for a workout instead of screaming blue murder, my lungs working quickly and easily, still close enough to the memories of cigarette static that being able to breathe was like gaining some kind of super power. I'm almost two months into this regime now, and the differences are no longer a matter of degree. I'm fitter than I've been in years, noticeably slimmer. I have stamina to remind me that I ran middle distance in my teens and was pretty fucking good at it. I'm still a long way from an athlete, but I'm starting to feel an impressive distance from what I was at the turn of the year, too.

In the spirit of exploration, I crossed the street and took a left onto Bastanchury, where I found myself confronted by a positively evil hill that stretched, as far as I could tell, about half a mile into the distance. I doubted I was up to running such a vicious gradient for that long, but I gave it a shot anyway, slowing to a walk just past halfway and feeling I'd done enough to work up a sweat and earn myself a little respite. Besides that, I wasn't sure where I was running to. My intent had been to jog around the block and see how I felt, but as well as being a steep hill, that particular part of Bastanchury curved sharply inward towards the centre of my mental lap, leaving me wondering if getting home without backtracking was going to get complicated.

I needn't have worried. The top of the hill was marked by an intersection I recognised. Just as I turned onto the street that would take me back towards the college, though, I noticed something I'd never seen before. On the opposite side of the intersection there was a park. Not such a big deal in and of itself, but one of the reasons I kill myself on the treadmill every morning is that there really isn't any local car-free place to run. A park as close as this one would be perfect.

But first, an aside regarding the pedestrian right of way law and jaywalking: You see, in California (and some other places) the pedestrian has right of way on crosswalks. Essentially, that means if there is a pedestrian crossing the street, on a crosswalk, whenever, all is right with the world. At the same time, there is also the charge of jaywalking, which can be brought against any pedestrian who isn't crossing the street in the proper manner, that being at a crosswalk, and when the little green sign says it's cool. So if you cross the street at a crosswalk when there is no little green sign, you're guilty of jaywalking despite the fact that you have the legal right of way. Interestingly, this would mean that if a pedestrian was to be hit by a car, on a crosswalk, while the sign said 'don't walk', you'd have a victimless crime, since both driver and pedestrian would be criminals.

I may be entirely wrong about all of that, so if anyone wants to correct me, feel free. All I know is that in England, you can cross the street whenever and wherever the hell you want, with right of way generally being dictated by whomever would be left intact in the event of a collision.

All of the above is by way of explaining why I was so perturbed when I realised that the 'walk'/'don't walk' signs at the intersection of Bastanchury and State College are fucked. I have yet to fully understand how intersections actually function in this corner of the world, and without electronic guidance, I have no idea. This is how I found myself running across two busy streets in what I hoped was a fashion that just screamed Right Of Way.

In the end, the traffic-dodging was worth it. Mountain View park doesn't offer much in the way of running space (though if running in a tiny circle around a couple of rose bushes is your thing, it's the shit), but it does offer a tremendous view. Yes, of mountains, but there was more than that. In the distance, barely visible, I could just make out the rigid grey fingers of downtown Los Angeles where they rose through the haze like a last gesture for mercy. In a sense, it was a similar feeling to that I often experience when I fly, that sudden shift in perspective that makes you realise just how much world is out there, and just how little of it you'll ever experience.

I walked slowly home, suddenly more aware of how affluent the area around me had become. The hills around my new home are filled with gated communities inhabited by middle-aged white folks. When I stood still and listened, I could hear the chattering of sprinklers and the polite baritones of upmarket SUVs. Making my way down State College Boulevard, I could literally see that point where there was litter again, where nobody had been out to trim the hedges. Shortly after that, I reached the first frat house, and it occurred to me that we wouldn't be able to live here if it wasn't a college town. For whatever reason, I'd never thought of it that way before.

25.4.06

Gone

"I needed strength to change my mind, but those ghosts stick to me like glue."

Almost two months now. Can you believe that? Two months since I said awkward goodbyes to my family and took off into the wild blue yonder, bound for a new life. It's been a funny time. The first few weeks were a holiday, but once Jenn went back to work, reality set in and I realised that this California lark was probably going to be harder than it looked. Till I get a job, I'm dividing the days between gym and keyboard, chewing gum until my jaw hurts and creeping ever closer to a point where the cat gets punted out of a window. Anything repetitive is tiring, and how this makes me feel is like I'm falling from one period of preparation to another, never quite making it into the lives I'm preparing for.

Understand that sitting in the apartment all day gives me a lot of time to romanticise these things.

The more I think about it, the less I feel like putting down roots in SoCal. Jenn's been here too long to see it with anything other than jaded eyes, and Orange County is a little too hot and sterile for my tastes and my physiology. There's a reason why you don't see redheads out here. Jenn likes the idea of New York, of returning to England someday. I've never even seen New York, so it's as good a destination as any, a destination that leads me to thoughts of maybe doing a crappy job here for six months or a year, then taking a scenic route north. I want to see Arizona, Utah, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Illinois, and Michigan en route to New York city. I want to take a month or two to do it, sitting in the passenger seat with a notebook on my lap and then spending nights in all these nowhere motels. I want to be a tourist of the things you don't find in the guidebook.

Of course, all this is in the future. For now, it's the torture of beautiful weather and the lazy days of enforced unemployment.

Woe is me, readers, woe is me.

19.4.06

Since I Quit Sleeping

"Hey there, sleepy smile. I see you've brought your bedroom eyes."

I've found it hard to sleep since I've been in California, my insomnia only too happy to let jetlag become habit, to keep me wide-eyed well into the Pacific night. I've been trying to set my clock to Jenn's schedule, to get up and write when she gets up to work. I'm getting there, but I don't function well at five am in any timezone, especially if I've been tossing and turning since three.

It's lying in what is still an unfamiliar bed and an unfamiliar place, some disconnected part of my mind still holding on to a belief that it's early afternoon, another listening to the cat's claws tugging at the carpet with every pawstep of his late night wanderings. I hear every car that drones by on the boulevard. Jenn's been here four years, and all she hears is background. Jenn sleeps.

Last Sunday was one of those nights where the problem was comfort. I'd spend two minutes laying on my left and then two minutes on my right. I'd flip the pillow over and try the cool side. I'd kick off the blankets only to reach for them five minutes later. Eventually, I found myself looking up at the ceiling, on my back with my hands resting on my chest, fingers interlaced. I glanced across at Jenn for no other reason than it being something I do now and again, and found that she was resting in this exact same position, the pair of us lying there like vampires. I smiled in the dark, remembering that I was justified in all the things I've spent the last eighteen months doing, that this was the other side of the world. I remembered the Alkaline Trio lyrics that graced the foot of this blog from the time I first began speaking to Jenn until I did the redesign last Friday:

I don't dream since I quit sleeping,
and I haven't slept since I met you
And you can't breathe without coughing in daytime,
and neither can I
So what do you say,
your coffin or mine?


Sometimes I wonder if I'm an insomniac because I'm terrified of missing something.

14.4.06

Facelift

"I consider myself a road man for the lords of karma."

Regular visitors might notice a teeny tiny difference in the layout of the site. I'd been ignoring comments about the old colour scheme for a good few months, and laughing at people who expressed a dislike of white writing on a black background for almost two years. Besides that, I'm easily bored and it was way past time for a change.

Horror, outrage, and indifference in the usual place, please. I'll likely be back with something new on Sunday.

Waiting For A Highway Kiss

"Whiplash caught the silver son, took the film to number one, crashed the car and left us here. Broken glass for teenage boys, trapped in steel and celluloid, crashed the car and left us here."

This post comes courtesy of the fact I'm too distracted to pay the blog much attention at the moment. I'm not much of an art person, but I've been struck recently by the work of a couple of painters, and I thought I'd share them with you. The first picture is 'Waiting', by California artist William Wray, one of a series of quite awesome urban landscapes you can find on his site. The second is 'Highway Kiss', by Andrew Valko, who doesn't seem to have his own site. If you like that one, though, Googling his name will yield results aplenty.

10.4.06

In Which Boredom Begets Banners

"It isn't a bargain or deal or anything like that. It's just that fragile boys don't jump unless they're sure someone's going to catch them."







8.4.06

Twisted Deities

"Anyone can see my every flaw, it isn't hard. Anyone can say they're above this all. It takes my pain away."

There are days when I begin to believe in Karma. Hell, there are even days when I want to believe in some kind of God, if only so I can believe that He/She/It hates me and has singled me out in order to set an example for the rest of humankind. My sin yesterday was nothing to do with my ranting against the USCIS - those fuckers have their own twisted deities - and everything to do with my mentioning that my attempts to take better care of myself, to work off a few pounds, quit smoking, and maybe eat just a little better, were finally bearing abdominal fruit.

Heh. 'Bearing abdominal fruit'. I think I just invented a new euphemism for taking a dump.

Anyway, as you might expect, the hour I've been spending on the bike and the treadmill every morning has, more often than not, left my legs in various forms of pain. We're not talking anything major, just the usual aches of exertion, of muscles that aren't used to that kind of treatment. By yesterday afternoon, though, I realised that the pain I was experiencing following my earlier workout was not usual. It was, in fact, so bad that I was having trouble walking.


Using the above diagram, we can quite clearly see that I am suffering because I have stretched my Calcaneal-Fibular Ligament. This means no gym for a few days, which in turn means I can't burn off like 800 calories every morning for a few days, which in turn means only prescription amphetamines can keep me on the fast-track to weight loss.

And that wasn't even the end of Karma's revenge on your plucky young hero. You see, Saturday is my day off. On Saturdays, Jenn and I tend to get lunch compliments of Carl's Jr., dinner compliments of Pizza Hut, and beverages compliments of Mr. Jack Daniel. Yup, Saturday is guilty pleasure day, so imagine my horror when - upon our return home from our lunchtime trip out for alcohol and junk food - we were confronted by...by this:


Yes, at the end of the corridor that leads to our apartment, just lying on the ground like such a thing was entirely normal, was an unsmoked cigarette. Imagine the horror, dear readers, of being on the thirty-third day of a Cold Turkey detox from an addiction you suffered for twelve long years only to be confronted by the ultimate temptation. All I had to do was reach down and pick it up. All I had to do was put it in my mouth. All I had to do was walk the ten yards to the apartment, pick up a lighter, and touch flame to tip. I was thirteen steps from heaven...

...and twenty-six steps from grabbing the camera and taking a picture of my former addiction before heading back to the apartment, leaving the Virgin Cigarette to be deflowered by some other poor sucker with lung cancer in his future.

And Karma? I've got your Karma right here.

7.4.06

Vin Diesel, Pool Cleaner

"I may be soft in your palm, but I'll soon grow hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win."

It's always awesome when the day starts with good news. I crawled out of bed at seven this morning to find the TV dominated by talk of Bush and CIA leaks. But that wasn't the good news. No, I am immune to politics these days, and I simply switched it off and went to do some work on the novel until it came time to drag my sorry carcass down to the gym for another round of Michael vs. The Treadmill. When I got there, though, a man who looked worryingly like Vin Diesel was draining the swimming pool, and the gym was locked.

But that wasn't the good news, either. The folks that run this apartment complex can be tardy, whereas I, as anyone that knows me will tell you, am terrifyingly punctual. So, rather than waiting for someone to come and unlock the door, I decided to go and collect the mail. And there, sitting in our box, were Notices Of Action for the EAD (Employment Authorisation...uh...Document, I think) and the AOS (Adjustment Of Status). The NOAs don't mean a huge amount, but they do confirm that we filled out the relevant application forms correctly, and mean the USCIS are now back to processing my case. The next thing I should receive is my biometrics appointment, where they'll take my fingerprints, photograph, and signature, and shortly after that, I should be allowed to work.

Emphasise should. No way in hell am I getting my hopes up about anything that depends on the USCIS.

Anyway, that was the first piece of good news. The second came about an hour and twenty minutes later when, stripping off my soaking clothes after another bout of breathless swearing and shrieks of pain in the gym, I spied myself in the mirror. A double-take later, I was taking a closer look, muttering, "My God, is that muscle?"

There's something under the flab after all. Who knew?

6.4.06

Screaming For Higher Ground

"You're all potential anarchy burgers. If you want to be free, order yourself an anarchy burger (hold the government, please)."

Is it just me, or did the standards drop in here? I think NFADR might be suffering from my attentions being focussed elsewhere. The fitness regime is leaving me in varying states of physical collapse, so the only time I come to the computer to do any real writing is when I'm feeling creative. At the moment, that means The Novel (hovering at 3k. Believe me, that's progress) or The Curve Ball Conspiracy (pet project of the hour). What it doesn't mean is wandering over here and banging out an essay about whatever's on my mind. For the moment, there isn't a whole hell of a lot I can do to change that. Once I get permission to work and start getting out a bit more, I'll have a lot more to write about. For now, I have this feeling we'll be seeing a fair few more memes. Or who knows, maybe a Secrets Of Working Out...Revealed.

While we're on the subject of what's going in this little corner of the interweb, some of you may have noticed the reappearance of posts from June and July of 2004, when I first started the original incarnation of the blog. While I won't be adding the archives in their entirety, it's my intention to restore a reasonably representative history (that being the posts I like) of Notes From A Darkened Room.

I really should do a big fat post about life in California. Living here is a massive and drastic difference, it really is. Looking into the archives has reminded me of times when I'd think nothing of hammering out two or three thousand word posts for fun. I'll think about something along those lines for Sunday, when Jenn watches her crime shows and I run screaming for higher ground.

1.4.06

Immediacy

"So you’re super-connected now, all the freaks gather around, and the crowd in your bedroom waits for a piece of your personal space."

I think I have blogging guilt. I feel compelled to post. The problem with this is that I have absolutely nothing of any substance to write about. Here, have some vagueness:

- Day 26 of my latest attempt to quit smoking. It's getting easier every day. I only really struggle when I'm watching someone enjoy a cigarette, even if it's on TV. Drinking isn't half as much fun as it used to be, either.

- On the subject, I've only been allowing myself to drink one night a week for the past month. I don't miss it at all. Though that might be because I'm too busy missing cigarettes.

- I lost another four pounds this week. All hail me.

- We watched Brokeback Mountain today. Not sure what all the fuss was about. It was a decent film, but - other than considering Heath Ledger for Best Actor - I wouldn't have given it any Oscars. Cinematography, maybe. Do they give an Oscar for cinematography? I don't watch them, so I'm really not sure.

- We're currently watching Ghostbusters. I once saw a T-shirt with a little picture of Slimer on it and the quote "He's right here, Ray. He's looking at me," and I didn't buy it. That was a really bad decision.

- Does all this immigration stuff strike anyone else as a little bit like a lot of rich white folks arguing with themselves? Jenn's workmates tell her the illegal immigrants should make her mad because of the time and money we've spent bringing me here legally. I don't quite get that. It's the laws and the enforcement of them that's wrong here. How could you blame somebody for taking advantage of that? Oh, and for the record, building a big fence from California to Texas is the stupidest idea I've heard in at least two days.

- Is anybody actually reading The Curve Ball Conspiracy? I'm having a great time with it, and I think it should have a readership of millions.

- I have just now decided that I'm adding The Colbert Nation to my list of links. Don't get me wrong, I love The Daily Show, but it's slowly becoming something I watch while waiting for The Colbert Report to start. Genius.

- Being unemployed is only actually fun for about three weeks.

- I restarted the novel this week, switching from third person to first and past tense to present. The writing is still a slow process, but I'm feeling a lot more comfortable. The change brings an immediacy that was missing from what is supposed to be a fast moving story.

That's about all I have. Expect more linear blogging in the very near future.