Good Weekend
"Once I thought I had Mono for a whole year. Turns out I was just really bored."
This week's lack of postage is due to incurable laziness. The passing of the Mandamus frenzy left me exhausted and in a general malaise as regards the blog. I think I may have Mono.
Jammie came down from Oklahoma to visit us last weekend. I was going to write about what we did each day, but I've left it too long now, and it's all congealed into one big, mad blur. We definitely picked her up from the airport on Friday, and I'm sure we took her back on Monday. Between the two trips were a baseball game, The Cheesecake Factory, a job interview, a drug test, the world's weakest bladder, Richard Jeni, The Rockin' Taco, Santa Monica, Jenn's birthday, and the cat peeing on the phone. I forget the order they came in.
1. Richard Jeni - This was Friday night, I think. Or maybe it was Saturday. We had dinner...uh...somewhere (all I remember is a tower of onion rings) and then it was on to the Brea Improv. This was the first time I'd ever been to a live comedy show, but I'd never actually heard of Richard Jeni and had no idea if he was any good. Turns out he's actually quite a funny guy, though I personally thought the MC was funnier. The Brea Improv is pretty swank, though, and the drinks were good.
2. The Interview - This was definitely Saturday. Target had called on Friday and invited me to come in for another interview (I say 'another', but I've never actually had an interview there, even though I've gone for one twice). So I drive over there with Jenn, she goes to pick up Jammie from the hotel, and I tell them to meet me in half an hour. Only that's not how it goes. This fat Ben Affleck-looking motherfucker is interviewing me, and he keeps getting up and going off to do things. In addition to this, I gave them Jenn's Social Security Number when I first applied, and according to the guy, this means I have to fill out the electronic application all over again, including the sixty-odd 'personality' questions at the end. I duly comply, and then he has trouble printing out my application. When we finally get around to the interview, it takes about ten minutes and they offer me a job on the spot. At this point, I have been in Target for two hours, and we're late for...Richard Jeni. Shit, Richard Jeni was Saturday night, not Friday. Anyway, the job offer is conditional on my passing both a background check and a drug test...
3. The Drug Test - The drug test has to be completed within 24 hours of the job offer. What with our date at the Brea Improv, we didn't have time to do it on Saturday night. This was how we ended up stopping off at the clinic on Sunday morning, on our way to Hollywood and then the Dodgers/Nationals game. Except...yes...it didn't turn out that way. See, I'm turning into one of those people that never leaves the house and is always sick, and it seems as though anything above a small amount of food and drink makes me ill these days. Sunday morning found me spending a scary amount of time in the bathroom, so when I got to the clinic and took my little plastic cup into the cubicle, I had nothing in my bladder to fill it with.
Embarrassing, but we're just getting started here. We ended up being stuck at the clinic for over an hour while I consumed vast quantities of liquid and thought about waterfalls. Of course, once my swollen bladder had finally delivered a sample and we'd gotten back on the road, I immediately - having drunk some ten pints of water - needed to piss like a racehorse. So we missed out on going to Hollywood, we were ten minutes late for the ball game, and we had to stop so I could relieve myself six times, two of them by the side of the freeway.
4. The Dodgers - Jammie had purchased some rather awesome tickets for the Dodgers game. We were literally sitting about twenty feet behind home plate. Now, those of you that know me will know that I am not a fan of baseball, but I knew we were going to the game and so I spent the previous week attempting to educate myself by watching the Dodgers get whipped by the Padres on TV. By the time Sunday rolled around, I knew a few of the players and had a better feel for the rules than I'd ever had before. The live atmosphere certainly made it better than watching on TV, and watching the Dodgers (ostensibly 'my' team) come back from two down to win 4-3 was a good time. I'm still not a baseball fan, but I'd definitely go and watch a game again.
5. Santa Monica - By the time we left the baseball game, I was feeling drained and sick. It was turning into a very long day, and when we drove into Santa Monica and found it heaving with people, many of them deeply strange, I felt my temper getting away from me. Man, it was awful. I've honestly never loathed a place so much on first acquaintance. It's a town full of whores, fat tourists, and beggars. The horror.
I knew Jammie wanted to do some touristy stuff (she was, after all, a tourist) and I knew Jenn had wanted Jammie to see the shops and the beach, so I did my best to tag along and tried not to open my mouth too much lest I start screaming insults. My black mood must have been more obvious than I'd realised, though. After asking me several times if I was okay, the two Js clearly had some kind of Michael-less conference while I waited outside a shop, emerging determined to get food and then go home. We duly ate a seriously mood-improving meal at Bubba Gump's before fleeing the area.
6. Jenn's birthday - My lady wife got a year older on Monday, and - in a testament to her youthful hotness - still managed to get carded pretty much every time we tried to buy alcohol. My main present still hadn't (and still hasn't) arrived due to an address mix-up, but Jammie had already bought us both COWBOY BOOTS from Oklahoma, and the cat had contributed in his own inimitable fashion by weeing all over the phone. Actually, one of the best presents I think Jammie got Jenn (and me, to be honest) was having us stay in her hotel room while she was here. The apartment is hot and uncomfortable, and we share it with a furry little motherfucker who wakes me at around 4am most mornings. So getting a couple of awesome nights of sleep in a room with a comfortable bed, a kick-ass shower, and arctic air conditioning did us both more good than I can say.
Jammie contributed more presents on Monday morning, and Jenn had a chance to be delighted with some new clothes before we headed off to the Cheesecake Factory for a massive lunch we weren't even close to finishing. Jammie's final present was season one of Scrubs, and I gave Jenn a book (I Am Legend), a DVD (Party Monster), and a T-shirt (reading 'Bears: #1 Threat To America). Hopefully, my main present will arrive at some point this week.
And that was essentially the end of the weekend. We drove to the airport and left Jammie smoking one final cigarette before her flight home. Next time, the kids are headed to Oklahoma, and they're bringing their cowboy boots.
This week's lack of postage is due to incurable laziness. The passing of the Mandamus frenzy left me exhausted and in a general malaise as regards the blog. I think I may have Mono.
Jammie came down from Oklahoma to visit us last weekend. I was going to write about what we did each day, but I've left it too long now, and it's all congealed into one big, mad blur. We definitely picked her up from the airport on Friday, and I'm sure we took her back on Monday. Between the two trips were a baseball game, The Cheesecake Factory, a job interview, a drug test, the world's weakest bladder, Richard Jeni, The Rockin' Taco, Santa Monica, Jenn's birthday, and the cat peeing on the phone. I forget the order they came in.
1. Richard Jeni - This was Friday night, I think. Or maybe it was Saturday. We had dinner...uh...somewhere (all I remember is a tower of onion rings) and then it was on to the Brea Improv. This was the first time I'd ever been to a live comedy show, but I'd never actually heard of Richard Jeni and had no idea if he was any good. Turns out he's actually quite a funny guy, though I personally thought the MC was funnier. The Brea Improv is pretty swank, though, and the drinks were good.
2. The Interview - This was definitely Saturday. Target had called on Friday and invited me to come in for another interview (I say 'another', but I've never actually had an interview there, even though I've gone for one twice). So I drive over there with Jenn, she goes to pick up Jammie from the hotel, and I tell them to meet me in half an hour. Only that's not how it goes. This fat Ben Affleck-looking motherfucker is interviewing me, and he keeps getting up and going off to do things. In addition to this, I gave them Jenn's Social Security Number when I first applied, and according to the guy, this means I have to fill out the electronic application all over again, including the sixty-odd 'personality' questions at the end. I duly comply, and then he has trouble printing out my application. When we finally get around to the interview, it takes about ten minutes and they offer me a job on the spot. At this point, I have been in Target for two hours, and we're late for...Richard Jeni. Shit, Richard Jeni was Saturday night, not Friday. Anyway, the job offer is conditional on my passing both a background check and a drug test...
3. The Drug Test - The drug test has to be completed within 24 hours of the job offer. What with our date at the Brea Improv, we didn't have time to do it on Saturday night. This was how we ended up stopping off at the clinic on Sunday morning, on our way to Hollywood and then the Dodgers/Nationals game. Except...yes...it didn't turn out that way. See, I'm turning into one of those people that never leaves the house and is always sick, and it seems as though anything above a small amount of food and drink makes me ill these days. Sunday morning found me spending a scary amount of time in the bathroom, so when I got to the clinic and took my little plastic cup into the cubicle, I had nothing in my bladder to fill it with.
Embarrassing, but we're just getting started here. We ended up being stuck at the clinic for over an hour while I consumed vast quantities of liquid and thought about waterfalls. Of course, once my swollen bladder had finally delivered a sample and we'd gotten back on the road, I immediately - having drunk some ten pints of water - needed to piss like a racehorse. So we missed out on going to Hollywood, we were ten minutes late for the ball game, and we had to stop so I could relieve myself six times, two of them by the side of the freeway.
4. The Dodgers - Jammie had purchased some rather awesome tickets for the Dodgers game. We were literally sitting about twenty feet behind home plate. Now, those of you that know me will know that I am not a fan of baseball, but I knew we were going to the game and so I spent the previous week attempting to educate myself by watching the Dodgers get whipped by the Padres on TV. By the time Sunday rolled around, I knew a few of the players and had a better feel for the rules than I'd ever had before. The live atmosphere certainly made it better than watching on TV, and watching the Dodgers (ostensibly 'my' team) come back from two down to win 4-3 was a good time. I'm still not a baseball fan, but I'd definitely go and watch a game again.
5. Santa Monica - By the time we left the baseball game, I was feeling drained and sick. It was turning into a very long day, and when we drove into Santa Monica and found it heaving with people, many of them deeply strange, I felt my temper getting away from me. Man, it was awful. I've honestly never loathed a place so much on first acquaintance. It's a town full of whores, fat tourists, and beggars. The horror.
I knew Jammie wanted to do some touristy stuff (she was, after all, a tourist) and I knew Jenn had wanted Jammie to see the shops and the beach, so I did my best to tag along and tried not to open my mouth too much lest I start screaming insults. My black mood must have been more obvious than I'd realised, though. After asking me several times if I was okay, the two Js clearly had some kind of Michael-less conference while I waited outside a shop, emerging determined to get food and then go home. We duly ate a seriously mood-improving meal at Bubba Gump's before fleeing the area.
6. Jenn's birthday - My lady wife got a year older on Monday, and - in a testament to her youthful hotness - still managed to get carded pretty much every time we tried to buy alcohol. My main present still hadn't (and still hasn't) arrived due to an address mix-up, but Jammie had already bought us both COWBOY BOOTS from Oklahoma, and the cat had contributed in his own inimitable fashion by weeing all over the phone. Actually, one of the best presents I think Jammie got Jenn (and me, to be honest) was having us stay in her hotel room while she was here. The apartment is hot and uncomfortable, and we share it with a furry little motherfucker who wakes me at around 4am most mornings. So getting a couple of awesome nights of sleep in a room with a comfortable bed, a kick-ass shower, and arctic air conditioning did us both more good than I can say.
Jammie contributed more presents on Monday morning, and Jenn had a chance to be delighted with some new clothes before we headed off to the Cheesecake Factory for a massive lunch we weren't even close to finishing. Jammie's final present was season one of Scrubs, and I gave Jenn a book (I Am Legend), a DVD (Party Monster), and a T-shirt (reading 'Bears: #1 Threat To America). Hopefully, my main present will arrive at some point this week.
And that was essentially the end of the weekend. We drove to the airport and left Jammie smoking one final cigarette before her flight home. Next time, the kids are headed to Oklahoma, and they're bringing their cowboy boots.
posted by Michael at 11:46 AM
4 Comments:
And you had the audacity to mock my bladder at Ants, after your swing-door shenanigans at the '03 BBQ.
FOR SHAME!!!!
But seriously, glad you had a good time (urinary distress notwithstanding). We're hoping to get to Okie next year, so it looks like we'll all be getting cowboy boots.
I had you beat at Ants...and seriously, if you're drinking with me and going to the bathroom more often, you may as well just stay there. Or get a colostomy bag.
We should all go line dancing in our cowboy boots.
My dad grew up in Italy and was a professional soccer player - I ended up teaching him Baseball and after a few years he rew to enjoy it.
Ah, it's great being youthful. I have also been asked for ID twice in the last two weeks. Not bad for age 29.5.
Hey MIKE. You have a sister! REMEMBER?
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