Resident Evil

"I can't help it. I was dragged up. My favourite park's a car park, grass is something you smoke, birds are something you shag. Take your year in Provence and shove it up your arse."

Other than bills, junk, and the odd proposal of marriage, I don't get an awful lot of snail-mail. So imagine my surprise this morning when I discovered that those kindly folks from my local Conservative Party had chosen me, John Q. Cynical Bastard, to give my views on some extremely pressing local matters. The questions they asked came in the form of a Residents survey, and because I'm a beautiful person, I'm going to share it with you.

Boreham Wood Conservatives Working For You All Year Around screamed the little catchphrase at the top, presumably taking some kind of pop at the Labour Party. You have to admit, that's slightly hypocritical coming from people who have decided to ask for my opinion now, when we're two months off a General Election. But hey, it's politics, I guess. Let's do the survey.

1. Issues - Which 3 local issues most concern you (please number 1, 2, 3 in order of priority).
a) Flytipping
b) Speeding
c) Vandalism
d) Parking
e) Road repairs
f) Crime
g) Protecting Green Belt

Uh, how come there isn't a 'none of the above' option? And why is it all pissy stuff that only little old ladies give a fuck about? I appreciate that local politics is dull as fuck, but golly, I'm sure glad we've got our priorities straight enough to understand that the ever-growing gap between haves and have-nots and the fact that our elected representatives seem to neither understand nor care about the state of our town is nothing compared to the life-threatening menace of parking.

Which 3 national issues most concern you (please number 1, 2, 3 in order of priority).
a) Health
b) Education
c) Pensions
d) Environment
e) Illegal immigration
f) Referendum on European Constitution
g) Taxation

This is the Conservative Party, right? The policies are pretty clear cut. If I say health or education or pensions are priorities, you'll presume I mean they need privatising. If I mention illegal immigration or the European Constitution, you'll know that of course I mean that all foreigners are evil fuckers that only come over here to steal our jobs while those bastarding bureaucrats in Brussels legislate the shape of vegetables and come out with mealy-mouthed concepts I don't understand, like 'human rights', whatever the hell that is. I don't need to mention taxation, because we all vote with our wallets. As for the environment, well, pay it the usual lip service and we'll all nod and agree that we're terrible people and really need to improve.

2. Trust In Government - The government has recently been attacked for being untrustworthy. Do you trust Tony Blair's government?

I trust Tony Blair about as far as I could throw him. By the same token, I trust you about as far as I could throw you. Right now, I'm guessing I could probably throw Tony slightly further. Not that it matters. I use my ballot paper to write poetry and draw stick figures queueing up at the job centre and crying because they can't get a mortgage.

3. Roads And Pavements - Are there any road or pavement problems you would like to see repaired? (please give details)?

I'm going to assume you're joking and move on.

4. Environment - Are there are any litter hotspots, badly weeded roads, or other enviromental problems that you think should be cleaned up (please give details)?

You weren't joking. Okay, there are some garages just down the road from my house and if you walk past them you'll see used needles and condoms and occasionally a dead person. Litter hotspot? I think so.

5. Law And Order - Should Boreham Wood have more Bobbies on the beat?

Sorry about snorting lemonade all over your survey, but the only time I've heard the phrase 'Bobbies on the beat' from anyone that hadn't lived through two world wars, they were an American tourist putting on a fake English accent and thinking those ridiculous fucking hats our 'Bobbies' wear were 'kinda neat'. Really, I appreciate that you're the Conservatives and all that, but Christ, it's 2005. Should Borehamwood have more POLICE OFFICERS ON DUTY? Yes. Those badly weeded roads are just completely out of control.

6. About You - Which party did you vote for at the last General Election?

I put a large cross through my ballot paper. Twice.

Which party would you vote for if there was a Council Election tomorrow?

Clue: Not yours.

Which Party would you vote for if there was a General Election tomorrow?

Poetry and stick figures, dude. It's all planned out.