False Advertising
"Make your enemies, make your moves, make your critics fumble through, make it smart, and make it schmooze. Make it look easy."
Programme Management Capability Development Officer
The Programme Management Office (PMO) is a new strategic-level team within Transport for London (TfL). Embedding a new PM methodology and approach with TfL, this role will be responsible for the long term visioning and development of a Project Management capability. Working in close liaison with recognised expert organisations (e.g. TfL Centre of Excellence, OGC) you will be expected to enhance existing PM methodologies and organise staff capability/training initiatives.
The role will involve a large degree of relationship management and facilitation, so the ability to liaise with and manage contractors/consultants and non-direct staff reports is important.
Educated to degree level, ideally with Prince 2 or a recognised PM qualification, you will have at least three years experience of managing a virtual project-based team to deliver to schedule, cost and quality.
Excellent communications skills and the ability to influence others at a senior level is an essential requirement for this post, as are report writing and IT skills.
Translation
The Programme Management Office (PMO) is a new level of bureaucracy established within the Transport for London (TfL) hierarchy so as to make it even harder for anybody to establish just who exactly is to blame for the capital's outdated and unreliable public transport. Descending to hitherto undiscovered extremes of wanky, meaningless language and empty job titles, this role will be responsible for clouding people's minds by using words that don't actually exist, such as 'visioning'. Meeting in your office with people who have the exact same job as you under a different name, you will be expected to scratch your arse and drink a lot of coffee.
This role will involve a significant degree of stalling, avoiding the issue, and outright lying, so the ability to smile like you're actually looking forward to your appointment in the deepest pits of Hades is essential.
Educated to pretentious twat level, ideally with a piece of paper that says 'degree' on it somewhere, you will have at least three years experience of suppressing feelings of guilt and moral obligation, as well as practical experience of projects where it takes seventy-six people from twenty-two different offices with very long names several years to, say, make a paper airplane.
Convincing claims of innocence and the ability to point the finger are essential requirements for this post, as are illegible handwriting and a talent for finding pictures of tits on the internet.
Programme Management Capability Development Officer
The Programme Management Office (PMO) is a new strategic-level team within Transport for London (TfL). Embedding a new PM methodology and approach with TfL, this role will be responsible for the long term visioning and development of a Project Management capability. Working in close liaison with recognised expert organisations (e.g. TfL Centre of Excellence, OGC) you will be expected to enhance existing PM methodologies and organise staff capability/training initiatives.
The role will involve a large degree of relationship management and facilitation, so the ability to liaise with and manage contractors/consultants and non-direct staff reports is important.
Educated to degree level, ideally with Prince 2 or a recognised PM qualification, you will have at least three years experience of managing a virtual project-based team to deliver to schedule, cost and quality.
Excellent communications skills and the ability to influence others at a senior level is an essential requirement for this post, as are report writing and IT skills.
Translation
The Programme Management Office (PMO) is a new level of bureaucracy established within the Transport for London (TfL) hierarchy so as to make it even harder for anybody to establish just who exactly is to blame for the capital's outdated and unreliable public transport. Descending to hitherto undiscovered extremes of wanky, meaningless language and empty job titles, this role will be responsible for clouding people's minds by using words that don't actually exist, such as 'visioning'. Meeting in your office with people who have the exact same job as you under a different name, you will be expected to scratch your arse and drink a lot of coffee.
This role will involve a significant degree of stalling, avoiding the issue, and outright lying, so the ability to smile like you're actually looking forward to your appointment in the deepest pits of Hades is essential.
Educated to pretentious twat level, ideally with a piece of paper that says 'degree' on it somewhere, you will have at least three years experience of suppressing feelings of guilt and moral obligation, as well as practical experience of projects where it takes seventy-six people from twenty-two different offices with very long names several years to, say, make a paper airplane.
Convincing claims of innocence and the ability to point the finger are essential requirements for this post, as are illegible handwriting and a talent for finding pictures of tits on the internet.
posted by Michael at 6:48 PM
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