Deliver Me From Swedish Furniture
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."
The BBC News page is currently offering a gem of a story about 'several people' being hurt as rabid bargain-hunters ran wild at the opening of a new Ikea store in Edmonton, North London (just down the road from the Darkened Room). Apparently underestimating the eldritch powers of cheap Scandinavian coffee tables, the company were slightly taken aback when some 5,000 people turned up to their grand opening and then - following several incidences of queue-jumping - went nuts.
Local MP David Lammy was scandalised, and he more or less accused the sinister Swedes of doing the whole thing on purpose, as a part of their plan to take over the civilised world.
"Ikea must have known that in opening the store next to the second most deprived constituency in London and by leafleting the area about knock down bargains for those who arrived first, people would flock to their store in large numbers," he roared. "They did not put in place a garrison of Aryan warriors with cobalt blue eyes and batons made from freshly-stripped oak saplings, and they have reaped the whirlwind."
The furniture riot apparently started when the queue jumpers caused the front doors to be closed to people who had been waiting for some time. The crowd became agitated and - like sheep in heat - they charged the main entrance, snorting and uttering high-pitched mating cries. Many were shoved to the ground and brutally stamped on, while others were thrust face-first into the plate glass doors, suffering horrific and permanent injuries.
"They were like beasts of the wild," said passer-by Jackie Maydup. "Like lions. Lions wearing coats. And shopping."
Those who survived the stampede got themselves some "right tasty bargains," an Ikea spokesman said earlier this evening. He then held his little finger up to his mouth like Dr. Evil before laughing and running away.
The BBC News page is currently offering a gem of a story about 'several people' being hurt as rabid bargain-hunters ran wild at the opening of a new Ikea store in Edmonton, North London (just down the road from the Darkened Room). Apparently underestimating the eldritch powers of cheap Scandinavian coffee tables, the company were slightly taken aback when some 5,000 people turned up to their grand opening and then - following several incidences of queue-jumping - went nuts.
Local MP David Lammy was scandalised, and he more or less accused the sinister Swedes of doing the whole thing on purpose, as a part of their plan to take over the civilised world.
"Ikea must have known that in opening the store next to the second most deprived constituency in London and by leafleting the area about knock down bargains for those who arrived first, people would flock to their store in large numbers," he roared. "They did not put in place a garrison of Aryan warriors with cobalt blue eyes and batons made from freshly-stripped oak saplings, and they have reaped the whirlwind."
The furniture riot apparently started when the queue jumpers caused the front doors to be closed to people who had been waiting for some time. The crowd became agitated and - like sheep in heat - they charged the main entrance, snorting and uttering high-pitched mating cries. Many were shoved to the ground and brutally stamped on, while others were thrust face-first into the plate glass doors, suffering horrific and permanent injuries.
"They were like beasts of the wild," said passer-by Jackie Maydup. "Like lions. Lions wearing coats. And shopping."
Those who survived the stampede got themselves some "right tasty bargains," an Ikea spokesman said earlier this evening. He then held his little finger up to his mouth like Dr. Evil before laughing and running away.
posted by Michael at 6:55 PM
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