Secrets Of Quitting Smoking...Revealed!
"Trailers for sale or rent. Rooms to let - fifty cents. No phone, no pool, no pets. I ain’t got no cigarettes."
That's right. I, Michael O'Mahony, am back to inform and entertain my readers with the second in an apparently infinite series of helpful and informative posts in which I share my many mighty achievements and explain how you, John (or Jenn, seeing as that's everybody's bloody name) Q. Blogsurfer, can follow my example to a rich and fulfilling lifestyle.
As the author of the well known NHS pamphlet That's Your Fucking LUNG? Jesus!, and a reformed smoker of some 40,320 minutes, I feel well qualified to share with you some of my insights on how the average person can sever the filthy, plague-ridden ties that bind them to the demon nicotine...FOREVER.
Go It Alone: Unfortunately, the government of the land where I make my home is not as serious about stamping out smoking as the speeches of its leaders would have us believe. If it was, I feel somehow sure that patches, gum, and inhalers would be readily available to the general populous at no cost. Of course, it is possible to obtain them at reduced cost, but only by attending one of the clinics that make up part of the government's anti-smoking initiative, where you can receive such helpful and encouraging advice as "stop smoking" and "it's bad for you".
Of course, any smoker whose brain hasn't completely DROWNED in TAR will know that the governments of most major western countries have strong connections to the fearsome beast known as Big Tobacco. They will also be aware that the monstrously high 'conscience' tax levied on cigarettes makes up a significant percentage of the money Tony and George spend on the Doom Machines they send to the other side of the world, where many people of Muslim extraction are crushed beneath their giant wheels because somebody looked at somebody else the wrong way about 400 years ago.
So it isn't just you you're killing with your habit, and it isn't just the people that have to pass through the mushroom cloud of yellow death that surrounds you at all times. No, you have also financed the murder of millions of innocent people and ruined the lives of many more. And on a personal note, I also blame you for Pop Idol.
Bottom line, the government doesn't really want you to quit smoking, and therefore the methods it promotes are highly suspect. Though going it alone is hard, I assure that all the statistics you have been fed are wrong. It's the only way.
The Turkey Of Icy Darkness: Aye, 'tis a cold and evil bird, for all its stumbling innocence and cunningly crafted association with Christmas. As you will discover when you attempt to quit smoking without assistance, the Turkey Of Icy Darkness preys on those of us with the strength to free ourselves from the bondage of addiction. You MUST fight, though, and with my help, you WILL win. I shall describe some of the the Turkey's most cunning tricks below, and then tell you how each may be counteracted.
Direct Your Cravings Elsewhere: The most important time in your new life as a non-smoker is the first few days. During these endless, agonising hours, your personal Turkey of Icy Darkness, or TID, will be sitting on your shoulder at all times, making harsh gobbling noises in your ear and occasionally pecking your skull. You must distract yourself from these assaults by steering your nicotine cravings in a new direction. Cadbury's Creme Eggs, pears, and PCP are all acceptable substitutes.
Unleash Hell: Before I quit smoking, many people told me that the process sometimes made one listless and cranky. This was untrue. Four days after my last cigarette, I had to flee the local authorities after a small boy asked me the time and I responded by punching him in the side of the head and then throwing him through the windshield of a parked car. Later that same week, I killed my neighbour's dog by hurling a sword at it from my bedroom window. These acts, though clearly illegal, temporarily alleviated the pressures of quitting, and lead me to recommend bad language, violence, and even murder throughout the early stages of your life without cigarettes.
Think Of The Children: When giving up smoking, you are giving birth to a new you. In fact, there are many things that quitting has in common with pregnancy; you'll develop odd cravings, a swollen belly, and moods that nobody understands. It is important that you take this metaphor seriously and think of the person you will be when you are free of your cravings as a kind of giant baby growing inside you. Your TID, somewhat obviously, is a backstreet abortionist wielding the twisted coathanger of relapse. It is your duty not to let it force your ankles into the stirrups of temptation.
Do Not Be A TID-Magnet: Your TID will be attracted by routine. In other words, your cravings will be strongest at those times when the old, rubbish you would always have had a cigarette. If your TID comes first thing in the morning, after meals, and when you finish masturbating over Lindsay Lohan, try sleeping in the daytime, not eating, and fantasising about Bono. Confuse and frighten your TID - it will soon be bothering some other poor fool.
Give Up Your Life: Now that you've overcome your cravings, it's time to start thinking long-term. You see, simply changing your routine isn't enough. It isn't even close. You must now look to eradicate nicotine from your life completely. That means ditching your friends, family, and job. After all, when it comes to addiction, you can never be too careful. I now live in a small warren on the outskirts of Somerset, have virtually no human contact, and subsist on a diet of worms and rabbit shit. I've never been happier.
The road to a new you is long and dark and sometimes frightening. There will be times when it seems as though you're stuck behind a tractor travelling at two miles an hour, and times when you feel like that hitch-hiker you just picked up has really strange, starey eyes. Some of you will make it, some of you won't. For those left by the wayside, I have one last piece of advice you'd do well to remember...
They don't tax Crack.
That's right. I, Michael O'Mahony, am back to inform and entertain my readers with the second in an apparently infinite series of helpful and informative posts in which I share my many mighty achievements and explain how you, John (or Jenn, seeing as that's everybody's bloody name) Q. Blogsurfer, can follow my example to a rich and fulfilling lifestyle.
As the author of the well known NHS pamphlet That's Your Fucking LUNG? Jesus!, and a reformed smoker of some 40,320 minutes, I feel well qualified to share with you some of my insights on how the average person can sever the filthy, plague-ridden ties that bind them to the demon nicotine...FOREVER.
Go It Alone: Unfortunately, the government of the land where I make my home is not as serious about stamping out smoking as the speeches of its leaders would have us believe. If it was, I feel somehow sure that patches, gum, and inhalers would be readily available to the general populous at no cost. Of course, it is possible to obtain them at reduced cost, but only by attending one of the clinics that make up part of the government's anti-smoking initiative, where you can receive such helpful and encouraging advice as "stop smoking" and "it's bad for you".
Of course, any smoker whose brain hasn't completely DROWNED in TAR will know that the governments of most major western countries have strong connections to the fearsome beast known as Big Tobacco. They will also be aware that the monstrously high 'conscience' tax levied on cigarettes makes up a significant percentage of the money Tony and George spend on the Doom Machines they send to the other side of the world, where many people of Muslim extraction are crushed beneath their giant wheels because somebody looked at somebody else the wrong way about 400 years ago.
So it isn't just you you're killing with your habit, and it isn't just the people that have to pass through the mushroom cloud of yellow death that surrounds you at all times. No, you have also financed the murder of millions of innocent people and ruined the lives of many more. And on a personal note, I also blame you for Pop Idol.
Bottom line, the government doesn't really want you to quit smoking, and therefore the methods it promotes are highly suspect. Though going it alone is hard, I assure that all the statistics you have been fed are wrong. It's the only way.
The Turkey Of Icy Darkness: Aye, 'tis a cold and evil bird, for all its stumbling innocence and cunningly crafted association with Christmas. As you will discover when you attempt to quit smoking without assistance, the Turkey Of Icy Darkness preys on those of us with the strength to free ourselves from the bondage of addiction. You MUST fight, though, and with my help, you WILL win. I shall describe some of the the Turkey's most cunning tricks below, and then tell you how each may be counteracted.
Direct Your Cravings Elsewhere: The most important time in your new life as a non-smoker is the first few days. During these endless, agonising hours, your personal Turkey of Icy Darkness, or TID, will be sitting on your shoulder at all times, making harsh gobbling noises in your ear and occasionally pecking your skull. You must distract yourself from these assaults by steering your nicotine cravings in a new direction. Cadbury's Creme Eggs, pears, and PCP are all acceptable substitutes.
Unleash Hell: Before I quit smoking, many people told me that the process sometimes made one listless and cranky. This was untrue. Four days after my last cigarette, I had to flee the local authorities after a small boy asked me the time and I responded by punching him in the side of the head and then throwing him through the windshield of a parked car. Later that same week, I killed my neighbour's dog by hurling a sword at it from my bedroom window. These acts, though clearly illegal, temporarily alleviated the pressures of quitting, and lead me to recommend bad language, violence, and even murder throughout the early stages of your life without cigarettes.
Think Of The Children: When giving up smoking, you are giving birth to a new you. In fact, there are many things that quitting has in common with pregnancy; you'll develop odd cravings, a swollen belly, and moods that nobody understands. It is important that you take this metaphor seriously and think of the person you will be when you are free of your cravings as a kind of giant baby growing inside you. Your TID, somewhat obviously, is a backstreet abortionist wielding the twisted coathanger of relapse. It is your duty not to let it force your ankles into the stirrups of temptation.
Do Not Be A TID-Magnet: Your TID will be attracted by routine. In other words, your cravings will be strongest at those times when the old, rubbish you would always have had a cigarette. If your TID comes first thing in the morning, after meals, and when you finish masturbating over Lindsay Lohan, try sleeping in the daytime, not eating, and fantasising about Bono. Confuse and frighten your TID - it will soon be bothering some other poor fool.
Give Up Your Life: Now that you've overcome your cravings, it's time to start thinking long-term. You see, simply changing your routine isn't enough. It isn't even close. You must now look to eradicate nicotine from your life completely. That means ditching your friends, family, and job. After all, when it comes to addiction, you can never be too careful. I now live in a small warren on the outskirts of Somerset, have virtually no human contact, and subsist on a diet of worms and rabbit shit. I've never been happier.
The road to a new you is long and dark and sometimes frightening. There will be times when it seems as though you're stuck behind a tractor travelling at two miles an hour, and times when you feel like that hitch-hiker you just picked up has really strange, starey eyes. Some of you will make it, some of you won't. For those left by the wayside, I have one last piece of advice you'd do well to remember...
They don't tax Crack.
posted by Michael at 10:30 PM
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