Straw Man

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

I crawled out of bed this afternoon just in time to catch the salient points of Tony Blair's keynote speech to the Labour Party Conference down in Brighton. While I was impressed as always with Blair's speaking ability and natural charisma, the whole thing was basically a massive downer. What Blair essentially seemed to be saying was: "I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm going to win a third term to prove it. So step the fuck back, junior, and let the pros show you how politics works."

The third term is a certainty anyway. You'd have to be a moron to think otherwise. As for Blair proving his promises and ambitions right, I guess that remains to be seen. All I know is that I heard a lot of unrealistic claims today. Okay, so it was a conference speech. There was always going to be a lot of back-slapping. But Blair's apparently 'low-key' speech struck me as a prime example of the high-minded bullshit our Prime Minister is forever spouting.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

Astounding hypocrisy, really, for the Prime Minister to give a keynote speech that touched heavily on on the war in Iraq and our role in international relations on the same day that two stories on these very subjects broke in the news: Two British soldiers were killed during an ambush in Basra, and Foreign Secretary Jack Straw was caught on camera shaking hands with everybody's favourite evil dictator, Robert Mugabe.

I actually caught the Jack Straw story first, and was almost doubled up with mirth before the prospect of yet more senseless death in Iraq bought me back to earth. Straw, sporting a new hairstyle and contact lenses to replace his glasses, was apparently the toast of a lunchtime reception hosted by Thabo Mbeki in New York. Indeed, shortly before the hand-shaking incident, Mbeki was quoted as saying that Straw was a 'new man'. High praise indeed from the President of South Africa.

Man, I can't stop thinking about this... Jack Straw strolls through a crowd of his peers, feeling good about his new look. The men have been full of praise, and he has detected many sidelong looks from their trophy wives, looks he is sure are both lustful and admiring. He is high on himself. He is a man on the move. When he finds himself guided towards a large black man in a blue suit who is seated imperiously in an armchair, he thinks nothing of it. Just another foreign diplomat, he thinks. Just more flesh to press, another face to smile into. Something familiar about this one, but Straw can't quite place him.

"Nice to see you," he says, and smiles warmly.

The man grabs his hand and shakes it firmly. He is smiling, and Jack has just enough time to notice that there is something of the shark in that grin before he is lead away, wondering why it is that the Newsnight film crew following him around are exchanging looks of disbelief. Some of them are laughing openly. He nervously checks his hair.

Straw has back-and-forthed on this one since it happened, saying initially that he 'didn't recognise' Mugabe before later asserting that the state of relations between the two countries in questions did not mean that he should be 'discourteous and rude'. Fortunately for Straw, talk quickly turned back to his new look, and whether or not it indicated some fresh political ambition.

Idle speculation: What if Straw had recognised Mugabe? What if he'd given him the finger? What if he'd thumbed his nose, waggled his fingers, and stuck his tongue out, yelling "Ner ner!" as he was restrained by Mugabe's aides. Hell, if Straw had political ambitions, he could have come up with something far more newsworthy than a handshake. After all, if he'd leaned over and hit the Zimbabwean leader with a straight right to the jaw, I guarantee you that no-one would be talking about Tony Blair's stupid little speech right now.

Shit, Straw could change his whole image. He could come right out and say stuff like: "I had to hit Mugabe. He's a charlatan and a vicious sewer rat. I did only what the entire international community has been itching to do for years."

Jesus. He could go on and challenge Blair for the leadership, noting that the "only change Tony's hairstyle has gone through in the last seven years has been the exposure of forehead that has matched the exposure of his constant lies."

Of course, with soundbites like those, with the hair and the lenses and the attitude, Straw's Labour would go on to win the next election by something like forty million votes, and many problems would be solved by pistol duels at dawn and fist fights conducted under the Queensbury Rules.

Unfortunately, Jack Straw is a worthless hack and a dingbat. In shaking Mugabe's hand instead of kicking him squarely in the balls, he has doomed us to five or ten or even fifty more years of our own benevolent dictatorship.

Thanks, Jack.