The Maybe Girl
"I wanna be your lover. Lipstick my name across your mirror, blood red with flaked gunshot glitter, and be one with all you disowned."
Once again I find myself considering the size of The Darkened Room. When I started this blog, the name was meant to reflect a period of retreat, to evoke a sense of claustrophobia. What I saw in my mind when I titled the blog was what I see now if I look up from my typing; four walls, no lights, and the scattered nostalgia of my life. It represents a time of reflection and the place where I am, metaphorically as well as literally. I thought it was perfect.
Only it isn't. I didn't understand the world of blogging when I created my own, and I didn't realise that every person that read my words and every page I linked to made The Darkened Room that little bit bigger. I mentioned it early on, when the mass of ideas and information that could be packed into this page first occurred to me. "Like cotton wool into a bottle," I said.
I've interacted with an awful lot of people in the couple of months I've been doing this, and most of them have turned out to be extremely interesting. My little online journal has turned out to be a lot more interactive than I thought it would be.
Which isn't the point of this post, though it makes for a good introduction. The point is that I've been spending a lot of time exchanging letters with somebody who truly fascinates me. The Maybe Girl has gone from somebody I occasionally exchange words with to somebody I chat to all the time, somebody I write lengthy and meaningful letters to, somebody I'm genuinely and sincerely attracted to based almost entirely on the small but sweet connection we've made.
Again I find myself referring to past posts. When I wrote those lengthy screeds on online 'relationships', I wrote them in the belief that it was unlikely I was ever going to end up talking to somebody I really related to again. Not in THAT sense. Sure, I have a lot of online friends, but most of them are people I've actually met, and I've known the majority of them for quite a while.
And now I meet somebody new and find myself back in this whole 'prison letters' scenario. We swap words and ideas, thoughts and feelings. We swap photos. We're getting to know quite a lot about each other, enough to know that...well...maybe. She lives on one side of the world, I live on the other. But I was planning on travelling out that way anyway, and now I have a reason where I had only excuses.
Hey, hey, hey...don't worry. We're not in a relationship. We're just talking and speculating and making tentative plans. Ideas, words, thoughts, and feelings are wonderful things, but they're no substitute for time spent in each other's presence. I know this, and The Maybe Girl knows this.
I'll get out that way, hopefully before the end of the year. If I can't, well, maybe she'll get out this way. It's not easy to plan these things when you have two very separate lives to consider. But at some point we'll get that time together, and then we'll know.
Like I keep saying, you'll never catch your dreams if you don't chase them, and I'd happily chase The Maybe Girl halfway across the planet. Sometimes you've got to trust your instincts, right?
Once again I find myself considering the size of The Darkened Room. When I started this blog, the name was meant to reflect a period of retreat, to evoke a sense of claustrophobia. What I saw in my mind when I titled the blog was what I see now if I look up from my typing; four walls, no lights, and the scattered nostalgia of my life. It represents a time of reflection and the place where I am, metaphorically as well as literally. I thought it was perfect.
Only it isn't. I didn't understand the world of blogging when I created my own, and I didn't realise that every person that read my words and every page I linked to made The Darkened Room that little bit bigger. I mentioned it early on, when the mass of ideas and information that could be packed into this page first occurred to me. "Like cotton wool into a bottle," I said.
I've interacted with an awful lot of people in the couple of months I've been doing this, and most of them have turned out to be extremely interesting. My little online journal has turned out to be a lot more interactive than I thought it would be.
Which isn't the point of this post, though it makes for a good introduction. The point is that I've been spending a lot of time exchanging letters with somebody who truly fascinates me. The Maybe Girl has gone from somebody I occasionally exchange words with to somebody I chat to all the time, somebody I write lengthy and meaningful letters to, somebody I'm genuinely and sincerely attracted to based almost entirely on the small but sweet connection we've made.
Again I find myself referring to past posts. When I wrote those lengthy screeds on online 'relationships', I wrote them in the belief that it was unlikely I was ever going to end up talking to somebody I really related to again. Not in THAT sense. Sure, I have a lot of online friends, but most of them are people I've actually met, and I've known the majority of them for quite a while.
And now I meet somebody new and find myself back in this whole 'prison letters' scenario. We swap words and ideas, thoughts and feelings. We swap photos. We're getting to know quite a lot about each other, enough to know that...well...maybe. She lives on one side of the world, I live on the other. But I was planning on travelling out that way anyway, and now I have a reason where I had only excuses.
Hey, hey, hey...don't worry. We're not in a relationship. We're just talking and speculating and making tentative plans. Ideas, words, thoughts, and feelings are wonderful things, but they're no substitute for time spent in each other's presence. I know this, and The Maybe Girl knows this.
I'll get out that way, hopefully before the end of the year. If I can't, well, maybe she'll get out this way. It's not easy to plan these things when you have two very separate lives to consider. But at some point we'll get that time together, and then we'll know.
Like I keep saying, you'll never catch your dreams if you don't chase them, and I'd happily chase The Maybe Girl halfway across the planet. Sometimes you've got to trust your instincts, right?
posted by Michael at 6:27 PM
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