Hate Fable #2
"I've been sleeping with ghosts. I've been watching stars crawling out of the sky, and I've been hoping I'm close to the spaceman movies I call my life."
The Idealistic Young Writer arrived at the house of The Corporate Film Producer at around ten that morning. He was wearing his best suit (which was the best purely because there was no competition) and carrying a folder beneath his arm. His knock on the door was answered by the maid, who looked vaguely like Paris Hilton and made a point of mentioning the fact that she was an actress as she led him through to the living room, where The Corporate Film Producer was entertaining a group of men who all appeared to be wearing fake tan. For a moment, The Idealistic Young Writer considered simply running away. But it was just a moment.
"Ah, Idealistic Young Writer!" The Corporate Film Producer said. "Come in, come in! Have a seat!"
Everything The Corporate Film Producer said had an exclamation mark at the end of it.
"Thanks," The Idealistic Young Writer said, and fell into a leopard-skin armchair.
The Corporate Film Producer smiled his plastic smile and introduced the other men in the room. "This is The First-Time Director Who Has Only Previously Worked In Advertising, this is The Jaded And Bitter Special Effects Wizard, this is The Executive In Charge Of Product Placement, and this is The Casting Director Who Has Married Sixteen Times And Been Balls-Deep In More Starlets Than Ron Jeremy! Those other six guys are The Writers We Hired To Polish Your Script Because It Was Too Clever For Its Own Good, but don't worry too much about them!"
"Um...nice to meet you all," said The Idealistic Young Writer.
"First of all, I'd just like to congratulate you on a great story! We're all really happy to be involved in this project, and I think you'll find the whole room is in agreement when I say that I think we've got a hit on our hands here! Other than our pending remake of Citizen Kane, this is the most exciting film we've had in our hands for some time!"
"You...you're remaking Citizen Kane?" spluttered The Idealistic Young Writer.
"Absolutely," said The Casting Director Who Had Married Sixteen Times And Been Balls-Deep In More Starlets Than Ron Jeremy. "We've already lined up Will Smith to play Charles Foster Kane, James Van Der Beek as Jed Leland, and Britney Spears as Dorothy. Michael Bay's directing."
The Idealistic Young Writer glanced across at The Writers They'd Hired To Polish His Script Because It Was Too Clever For Its Own Good. They were all engaged in deep examination of their fingernails.
"It's going to be amazing!" said The Corporate Film Producer. "Jessica Simpson's done a song called Rosebud that'll go down a storm on MTV!"
"Jessica Simpson? MTV? What about my film?"
"Ah, well!" said The Corporate Film Producer. "It's actually OUR film now!"
The Executive In Charge Of Product Placement cleared his throat.
"Oh! It's also Pepsi's film! My colleague here has taken apart the screenplay and analysed it for placement opportunities! We worked out a deal whereby a Pepsi product would be featured, on average, every twelve seconds! In return, Pepsi are paying the lion's share of the effects costs!"
"What effects?" asked The Idealistic Young Writer. "There are none."
"We've actually relocated the film to the year 2300," said The Jaded And Bitter Special Effects Wizard. "It was completely unnecessary and stupid, but it meant we could squeeze in even more of those tired bullet-time action sequences and snappy cuts set to strobe lighting. In fact, we're actually hoping to surpass the record for killing epileptics set by Aliens."
"Nobody really wants to see a film set in the present day!" added The Corporate Film Producer. "They want to know about the future, like in Minority Report or I, Robot! Tom insisted on it!"
"Tom?"
"Tom Cruise! He's starring and executive producing!"
"But..."
"And we're hoping to line up that young tennis player to play the love interest!"
"Maria Sharapova," said The Casting Director Who Had Married Sixteen Times And Been Balls-Deep In More Starlets Than Ron Jeremy, rubbing his hands together.
"There isn't a love interest," said The Idealistic Young Writer.
"There is now," chorused The Writers They'd Hired To Polish His Script Because It Was Too Clever For Its Own Good.
"We've also changed the title!" said The Corporate Film Producer. Instead of being called Egomania, it's now called Tom Cruise's Ego! We've already circulated press releases! Take a look!"
"The new action-comedy from Bloat Pictures is called Ego," read The Idealistic Young Writer, "and stars Tom Cruise as Johnny Quarterback, a rebel player in the futuristic sport of LaserBall. When Johnny's heroic-but-doomed best friend, Bill Stereotype (Tom Sizemore), is killed by rival player Alan Bin Laden (Ben Kingsley), he takes it upon himself to avenge the death by scoring the MOST GOALS EVER and talking that tennis babe out of the no-nipple clause in her contract. Spectacular action sequences and moments of high drama and hilarious comedy make this THE film to look forward to this summer. Also starring Ben Affleck, The Rock, Ben Stiller, and James Caan as 'the coach'."
"What do you think?" asked The First Time Director Who Had Only Previously Worked In Commercials.
"I think it's Rollerball, only they already remade that."
"Yes, but we're acknowledging that by having James Caan in it. That's irony."
"No it's not," said The Idealistic Young Writer, throwing the press release to the floor.
"Of course it is!" said The Corporate Film Producer.
"How is that irony? Are you going to put Alanis Morrissette in the film, too? You might be in the right ball park then."
The Corporate Film Producer glanced at The Casting Director Who Had Married Sixteen Times And Been Balls-Deep In More Starlets Than Ron Jeremy, who shrugged.
"She's a bit horse-faced," he said. "Nice tits, though."
"Now!" screamed The Idealistic Young Writer.
The Writers They'd Hired To Polish Up His Script Because It Was Too Clever For Its Own Good, who were actually a terrorist group known as The Secret Society For The Protection And Distribution Of Really Good Films, jumped up from the couch and revealed the firearms they'd been concealing in their attache cases. Without hesitation, they gunned down everybody in the room with the exception of The Idealistic Young Writer, who was actually the leader and founder of the group. Their work done, the seven members of the society left a bloodstained copy of the original screenplay by way of explanation before going their separate ways and disappearing. None of them were ever caught.
The following summer, Cockbuster Pictures released Crossfire!, a thriller based on the events of that day. It starred Seann William Scott as The Idealistic Young Writer, and also featured Chris Klein, Josh Hartnett, and Justin Timberlake. Through the magic of special effects, the late Marlon Brando played The Corporate Film Producer. In a knowing nod to those that had died, Ben Kingsley appeared as Alan Bin Laden, the evil mastermind behind the operation. The film's soundtrack, featuring the hit single Shake Your Booty For Your Art, by Beyonce Knowles and Usher, remained at number one in the album charts for seventeen consecutive weeks. McG directed.
It was the most succesful film released that year, apart from the remake of The Third Man.
The moral of the story? You can kill Freddie Prinze Jr. if you want to, but the bastards will only make a film of his life.
The Idealistic Young Writer arrived at the house of The Corporate Film Producer at around ten that morning. He was wearing his best suit (which was the best purely because there was no competition) and carrying a folder beneath his arm. His knock on the door was answered by the maid, who looked vaguely like Paris Hilton and made a point of mentioning the fact that she was an actress as she led him through to the living room, where The Corporate Film Producer was entertaining a group of men who all appeared to be wearing fake tan. For a moment, The Idealistic Young Writer considered simply running away. But it was just a moment.
"Ah, Idealistic Young Writer!" The Corporate Film Producer said. "Come in, come in! Have a seat!"
Everything The Corporate Film Producer said had an exclamation mark at the end of it.
"Thanks," The Idealistic Young Writer said, and fell into a leopard-skin armchair.
The Corporate Film Producer smiled his plastic smile and introduced the other men in the room. "This is The First-Time Director Who Has Only Previously Worked In Advertising, this is The Jaded And Bitter Special Effects Wizard, this is The Executive In Charge Of Product Placement, and this is The Casting Director Who Has Married Sixteen Times And Been Balls-Deep In More Starlets Than Ron Jeremy! Those other six guys are The Writers We Hired To Polish Your Script Because It Was Too Clever For Its Own Good, but don't worry too much about them!"
"Um...nice to meet you all," said The Idealistic Young Writer.
"First of all, I'd just like to congratulate you on a great story! We're all really happy to be involved in this project, and I think you'll find the whole room is in agreement when I say that I think we've got a hit on our hands here! Other than our pending remake of Citizen Kane, this is the most exciting film we've had in our hands for some time!"
"You...you're remaking Citizen Kane?" spluttered The Idealistic Young Writer.
"Absolutely," said The Casting Director Who Had Married Sixteen Times And Been Balls-Deep In More Starlets Than Ron Jeremy. "We've already lined up Will Smith to play Charles Foster Kane, James Van Der Beek as Jed Leland, and Britney Spears as Dorothy. Michael Bay's directing."
The Idealistic Young Writer glanced across at The Writers They'd Hired To Polish His Script Because It Was Too Clever For Its Own Good. They were all engaged in deep examination of their fingernails.
"It's going to be amazing!" said The Corporate Film Producer. "Jessica Simpson's done a song called Rosebud that'll go down a storm on MTV!"
"Jessica Simpson? MTV? What about my film?"
"Ah, well!" said The Corporate Film Producer. "It's actually OUR film now!"
The Executive In Charge Of Product Placement cleared his throat.
"Oh! It's also Pepsi's film! My colleague here has taken apart the screenplay and analysed it for placement opportunities! We worked out a deal whereby a Pepsi product would be featured, on average, every twelve seconds! In return, Pepsi are paying the lion's share of the effects costs!"
"What effects?" asked The Idealistic Young Writer. "There are none."
"We've actually relocated the film to the year 2300," said The Jaded And Bitter Special Effects Wizard. "It was completely unnecessary and stupid, but it meant we could squeeze in even more of those tired bullet-time action sequences and snappy cuts set to strobe lighting. In fact, we're actually hoping to surpass the record for killing epileptics set by Aliens."
"Nobody really wants to see a film set in the present day!" added The Corporate Film Producer. "They want to know about the future, like in Minority Report or I, Robot! Tom insisted on it!"
"Tom?"
"Tom Cruise! He's starring and executive producing!"
"But..."
"And we're hoping to line up that young tennis player to play the love interest!"
"Maria Sharapova," said The Casting Director Who Had Married Sixteen Times And Been Balls-Deep In More Starlets Than Ron Jeremy, rubbing his hands together.
"There isn't a love interest," said The Idealistic Young Writer.
"There is now," chorused The Writers They'd Hired To Polish His Script Because It Was Too Clever For Its Own Good.
"We've also changed the title!" said The Corporate Film Producer. Instead of being called Egomania, it's now called Tom Cruise's Ego! We've already circulated press releases! Take a look!"
"The new action-comedy from Bloat Pictures is called Ego," read The Idealistic Young Writer, "and stars Tom Cruise as Johnny Quarterback, a rebel player in the futuristic sport of LaserBall. When Johnny's heroic-but-doomed best friend, Bill Stereotype (Tom Sizemore), is killed by rival player Alan Bin Laden (Ben Kingsley), he takes it upon himself to avenge the death by scoring the MOST GOALS EVER and talking that tennis babe out of the no-nipple clause in her contract. Spectacular action sequences and moments of high drama and hilarious comedy make this THE film to look forward to this summer. Also starring Ben Affleck, The Rock, Ben Stiller, and James Caan as 'the coach'."
"What do you think?" asked The First Time Director Who Had Only Previously Worked In Commercials.
"I think it's Rollerball, only they already remade that."
"Yes, but we're acknowledging that by having James Caan in it. That's irony."
"No it's not," said The Idealistic Young Writer, throwing the press release to the floor.
"Of course it is!" said The Corporate Film Producer.
"How is that irony? Are you going to put Alanis Morrissette in the film, too? You might be in the right ball park then."
The Corporate Film Producer glanced at The Casting Director Who Had Married Sixteen Times And Been Balls-Deep In More Starlets Than Ron Jeremy, who shrugged.
"She's a bit horse-faced," he said. "Nice tits, though."
"Now!" screamed The Idealistic Young Writer.
The Writers They'd Hired To Polish Up His Script Because It Was Too Clever For Its Own Good, who were actually a terrorist group known as The Secret Society For The Protection And Distribution Of Really Good Films, jumped up from the couch and revealed the firearms they'd been concealing in their attache cases. Without hesitation, they gunned down everybody in the room with the exception of The Idealistic Young Writer, who was actually the leader and founder of the group. Their work done, the seven members of the society left a bloodstained copy of the original screenplay by way of explanation before going their separate ways and disappearing. None of them were ever caught.
The following summer, Cockbuster Pictures released Crossfire!, a thriller based on the events of that day. It starred Seann William Scott as The Idealistic Young Writer, and also featured Chris Klein, Josh Hartnett, and Justin Timberlake. Through the magic of special effects, the late Marlon Brando played The Corporate Film Producer. In a knowing nod to those that had died, Ben Kingsley appeared as Alan Bin Laden, the evil mastermind behind the operation. The film's soundtrack, featuring the hit single Shake Your Booty For Your Art, by Beyonce Knowles and Usher, remained at number one in the album charts for seventeen consecutive weeks. McG directed.
It was the most succesful film released that year, apart from the remake of The Third Man.
The moral of the story? You can kill Freddie Prinze Jr. if you want to, but the bastards will only make a film of his life.
posted by Michael at 6:29 PM
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