Multiple Spontaneous Empathetic Human Combustion

"No stop signs, speed limit, nobody's gonna slow me down. Like a wheel, gonna spin it, nobody's gonna mess me round."

FADE INTO...
INT. JOSH HARTNETT'S HOUSE - JOSH HARTNETT'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING.
Hollywood superstar JOSH HARTNETT stirs from a refreshing and energising sleep. His room is as you'd imagine if you were of a cynical or even hateful mindset; silk sheets, posters of himself on the walls, and a mirror set into the ceiling above his bed. As he emerges from the blankets and goes across to the window, we see a cabinet obviously set aside for awards. It is empty except for a single plastic trophy in the shape of a heart. The inscription reads "Shallow Teens Magazine Hunk Of The Month - July 2001".

CUT TO...
EXT. LYNCHIAN HOLLYWOOD NEIGHBOURHOOD - EARLY MORNING.
Picket fences and perfect lawns and four door saloons, a paperboy wearing his cap back-to-front and smiling in the early morning sunshine, birds singing and the rhythmic chittering of sprinklers. All is terrifyingly perfect in the Lynchian Hollywood Neighbourhood...

...until the morning's peace is shattered by the roar of a motorcycle engine. Except that this is a motorcycle engine in the same way that Godzilla is a lizard. The bike it belongs to bursts into the picture trailing black smoke, unseen speakers pumping out AC/DC's Highway To Hell. Its RIDER is clad from head to toe in black, face hidden behind a tinted visor.

CUT TO...
INT. JOSH HARTNETT'S HOUSE - JOSH HARTNETT'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING.
A tic of annoyance flickers in young JOSH's cheek as we hear the engine and the guitars in the distance, the din growing steadily louder. He frowns.

CUT TO...
POV JOSH - EARLY MORNING.
JOSH's hand reaches out and brushes back the nets. We see the motorcycle turning into the street and cruising slowly closer until it's directly outside the house. The RIDER cuts the engine and we clearly hear Bon Scott scream "Hey mama, look at me! I'm on my way to the promised land," as the RIDER steps off the motorcycle and stands facing us. With no apparent urgency, the RIDER then takes the rucksack from his back and places several large metal parts on the pavement. As we watch, he assembles them into what looks like a large tube of some kind. The RIDER picks the tube up and turns away, reaching into the bag for something we cannot see as his activity is now obscured by his body.

CUT TO...
INT. JOSH HARTNETT'S HOUSE - JOSH HARTNETT'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING.
JOSH leans further out of the window, clearly curious.

JOSH: Hey, dude. What the hell are you doing?

CUT TO...
POV JOSH - EARLY MORNING.
The RIDER turns around and we see that the tube is in fact a rocket laucher. It is loaded and aimed directly at us. The RIDER lifts his visor to speak. We still can't see his face clearly.

RIDER: This is for Wicker Park, you fucking demon.

CUT TO...
INT. JOSH HARTNETT'S HOUSE - JOSH HARTNETT'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING.
Almost paralysed with fear, JOSH takes a couple of steps back from the window, stumbling over his own feet. He gropes blindly for support and pulls the award cabinet towards him. It crashes to the floor, sending his single award rolling across the carpet.

JOSH: God, no...

CUT TO...
EXT. JOSH HARTNETT'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING.
The RIDER's gloved finger pulls the trigger and a rocket whooshes from the tube, heading straight for where we can see JOSH's swaying silhouette. It shatters the window and then the entire house explodes in spectacular fashion.

CUT TO...
EXPLOSION MONTAGE - VARIOUS LOCATIONS - VARIOUS TIMES.
Rapid cuts between the kind of people that read celebrity magazines, have pictures of soulless, lantern-jawed 'actors' on their walls, and think 40 Days And 40 Nights is a quality movie. They all explode in rapid succession. It is, in fact, the first and last occurence of an inexplicable phenomenon known as Multiple Spontaneous Empathetic Human Combustion. Everybody that has ever liked Josh Hartnett is reduced to ashes in a matter of moments. It is awesome.

CUT TO...
EXT. AN INTERSECTION SOMEWHERE ELSE IN HOLLYWOOD - EARLY MORNING.
Hollywood superstar Freddie Prinze Jr. is crossing the street. He is whistling to himself. Suddenly, an articulated lorry smashes him to pieces. Some nearby people cheer. It has nothing to do with anything, but it rocks your world anyway.

CUT TO...
EXT. JOSH HARTNETT'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING.
The RIDER calmly takes the rocket launcher apart and puts the component parts back into his rucksack. He shoulders the bag and climbs back onto his bike. The RIDER then kicks the engine into life, looking over at the smouldering remains of JOSH HARTNETT's house. He nods once, and then drives away.

THE END.