Words And Wishes

"I hope that everybody can find a little flame. Me, I say my prayers then I just light myself on fire, and I walk out on the wire once again."

I can't sleep. I can't eat. Even breathing feels forced. I think about tomorrow and my stomach turns over. My hands shake. I can't remember ever feeling this nervous and excited.

I said my last internet goodnight to Jennifer yesterday, and it was then that I finally realised this was happening, that I was no longer dreaming or fantasising about things that might be. Tomorrow I go further than I've ever gone from familiar places. I follow whims and thoughts and strange connections. I follow my heart.

That's what really scares me, truth be told. I took a lot of foolish and false knowledge from my teenage years, but one of the worst legacies of my dysfunctional family and upbringing is that I'm really not sure that I know how to love. Not that I don't have it in me, of course I do, but it's been a long time since I felt this young, a lot of years spent at cynical distance from friends and lovers and family. I've become used to those barriers and that distance. I've become comfortable with being a person that almost always stands alone. Given the way I find the vast majority of people, I long ago decided that I was most satisfied with my own company.

And now I find I want to be with someone, want to be with her so badly that I'm travelling all that way just for seven days of her time. I don't even know what those seven days will bring. I get this feeling that something's gone wrong somewhere, that I've ended up in one of those stories that requires a knight in shining armour. I want to wave my arms at whoever's writing this little tale and say, "Hey, turkey, you've got the wrong guy! I don't do romance, not like this."

Then I realise that I'm writing it, co-writing it, actually, and I start feeling scared again, the part of me that is so sure that everything must end badly wanting to find a way to get out of this whole situation, to just burrow beneath the covers and hide until it's gone.

But there's no turning back now, and I wouldn't even if I could. I think of all those cliches about only having one life and living it to the fullest. I think of all the shit I've gone through. Mostly, I think about the time I've been alone, and I realise how long it really is and how much it hurts. I think of Jennifer, and of how the distance we've already covered is far greater than five-and-a-half-thousand miles. I think about all these things, and I know I have to take this chance. Right now, it's everything.

So this is it. No notes for a little while. Thank you for the words and the wishes. I look forward to the stories I'll be telling you all in a week's time, and I hope that they'll have happy endings.

Goodnight.