Your Horoscope
"You're going to be sending out some wonderful vibes -- so you don't need to be too obvious about your intentions. No matter how subtle you try to be, your feelings will come through, loud and clear."
That's my Horoscope for today. I'm not big on Astrology, mind you. In fact, I have no time for it whatsoever. Makes me smile to think of people who actually believe in this stuff. Then again, I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF YOUR GOD, so this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise to anyone.
Anyway, it's early afternoon in the dull suburbs, and far too hot for a fair-skinned creature such as myself to even consider leaving the house. So here, for your perusal, are my alternative horoscopes for the day.
Aries: Oh, man. I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but your day is going to SUCK. I can't watch. Just...don't leave the house, okay?
Taurus: You'll meet a handsome and intriguing stranger today. My advice? Don't get into his car. No-one needs sweets that badly.
Gemini: You'll get a job today. Money will fall from the sky like rain. People will pass out from sheer pleasure whilst reading your writing. You'll be stalked by beautiful and deviant women. Then, unfortunately, you'll wake up.
Cancer: They named an often-fatal disease after you. You're clearly cursed. Every day is an accident waiting to happen, and today is no exception. Sorry.
Leo: You're hot today. But let's face it, you're hot every day. Just don't get carried away. Everybody's inner puppy gets kicked now and then.
Virgo: That special someone will spend a lot of time thinking about you today. You don't want to know the context, though. Hey, this is astrology, take it the fluffy, cuddly way and shut the fuck up.
Libra: If you were planning on staying in and watching a movie tonight, you probably should. Nobody likes you anyway.
Scorpio: The moon is rising in the venus quadrant and the flux capacitators are at full-strength in the Mekong Delta. This means there's a fairly high chance that you'll be in some kind of vehicular accident around dinnertime.
Sagittarius: Quit fucking around. Everybody knows you're gay anyway. Just admit it. No-one's buying into your pathetic soap opera act. Loser.
Capricorn: Don't ask me.
Aquarius: I've seen your destiny, and I know exactly what it is you need to make your life complete. E-mail me your credit card details and all will be revealed.
Pisces: You're going to be attacked by a horde of genetically-enhanced chickens that feel compelled to mate with you. But don't worry, the money you get for selling your story to the press will more than compensate for the total loss of self-esteem and the fact that people will point at you and laugh for the rest of your natural life. Oh, and your son, Chicken Man, will save the world someday.
That's my Horoscope for today. I'm not big on Astrology, mind you. In fact, I have no time for it whatsoever. Makes me smile to think of people who actually believe in this stuff. Then again, I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF YOUR GOD, so this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise to anyone.
Anyway, it's early afternoon in the dull suburbs, and far too hot for a fair-skinned creature such as myself to even consider leaving the house. So here, for your perusal, are my alternative horoscopes for the day.
Aries: Oh, man. I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but your day is going to SUCK. I can't watch. Just...don't leave the house, okay?
Taurus: You'll meet a handsome and intriguing stranger today. My advice? Don't get into his car. No-one needs sweets that badly.
Gemini: You'll get a job today. Money will fall from the sky like rain. People will pass out from sheer pleasure whilst reading your writing. You'll be stalked by beautiful and deviant women. Then, unfortunately, you'll wake up.
Cancer: They named an often-fatal disease after you. You're clearly cursed. Every day is an accident waiting to happen, and today is no exception. Sorry.
Leo: You're hot today. But let's face it, you're hot every day. Just don't get carried away. Everybody's inner puppy gets kicked now and then.
Virgo: That special someone will spend a lot of time thinking about you today. You don't want to know the context, though. Hey, this is astrology, take it the fluffy, cuddly way and shut the fuck up.
Libra: If you were planning on staying in and watching a movie tonight, you probably should. Nobody likes you anyway.
Scorpio: The moon is rising in the venus quadrant and the flux capacitators are at full-strength in the Mekong Delta. This means there's a fairly high chance that you'll be in some kind of vehicular accident around dinnertime.
Sagittarius: Quit fucking around. Everybody knows you're gay anyway. Just admit it. No-one's buying into your pathetic soap opera act. Loser.
Capricorn: Don't ask me.
Aquarius: I've seen your destiny, and I know exactly what it is you need to make your life complete. E-mail me your credit card details and all will be revealed.
Pisces: You're going to be attacked by a horde of genetically-enhanced chickens that feel compelled to mate with you. But don't worry, the money you get for selling your story to the press will more than compensate for the total loss of self-esteem and the fact that people will point at you and laugh for the rest of your natural life. Oh, and your son, Chicken Man, will save the world someday.
posted by Michael at 2:26 PM
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