Resolutions

"The future is dead. That's what you said. Its all in your head, you see. Not mine. I'm fine, I'm alive, I've arrived."

I don't, generally speaking, make New Year's Resolutions. I mean, I do, but I never bother with them. Last year I was going to quit smoking, but by 1am on January 1st, I was already lighting up. I made the resolution, but I didn't actually care that I'd made it. Not enough to honour it, anyway.

But 2005 is different. These last few years, I guess it's fair to say I've been drifting, at least in terms of the things I care about. I had an image of myself as Michael The Artist, sitting alone in my room with my cigarettes and my whiskey, writing the poison out of my soul. And I was comfortable with that. So comfortable that it was easier to simply romanticise such an idea of myself instead of making harder decisions that might have brought the changes I've been needing.

As I said in my previous post, 2004 was just blah to me until its final quarter. Then I met Jennifer, and then a lot of strange things happened to my family, things that got me thinking about my health and my future. Seems to me that, while those around me have been fucking up or being fucked up by the things they've spent their lives doing, I've stumbled upon somebody whose very existence has made me want to be a little more sure that I won't go the same way. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a reason to live, but it's certainly a reason to live for something other than these four walls and a dream that someday I'll be able to write things that people will read.

So...
1. I'm quitting smoking. No fucking around this time.
2. I'm only going to drink socially, never by myself.
3. I'm going to stop eating heart attack food.
4. I'm going to get back to the regular exercise I was doing so well at for a couple of months last year.
5. I'm going to write two novels before the end of 2005.
6. I'm going to do the things I need to do to make myself happy, no matter how distant and difficult they may seem.

I'd ask you to wish me luck, but I really don't think I'm going to be needing it. I feel strong, confident, and pretty good about things. I've no doubt that some of those resolutions are going to be a bitch to keep, especially for the next month or so. But that's cool. I feel up to it. In fact, I find myself almost looking forward to the challenge. As the song I quoted at the head of this post says: "I'm fine, I'm alive, I've arrived."