It Only Seems Kinky The First Time (Part Three)
"I've been looking for a reject, and you ain't had nothing like me yet. Don't you think it's time for motion? I can take what you've been pushin'"
University is traditionally a place for exploring. I was a little ahead of myself in that respect. While all around me were indulging themselves, I was wallowing in self-pity and thinking constantly about the girl I'd lost. I had a good time at university, but in many respects I returned to my previous uptight persona. I smoked and I drank, but that was about it. I just couldn't bring myself to rub salt into the wounds I already had. When I did go off the deep end, it was into alcohol rather than sex. As every man knows, it's difficult to combine the two.
If I could do it again, though, I'd do it the exact same way. University taught me a lot. Whilst living in Cambridge, I was far more an observer than a participant. I watched a lot of strange and desperate behaviour. I sympathised and I empathised. Sometimes I was disgusted, others heartbroken. In the end, what changed was my perspective. I realised a lot of things about my own sexuality and about the way we tend to put those we desire on a pedestal, overlooking their flaws.
I was writing a lot more by then, and articulating those thoughts on paper made it easier for me keep track of them. I could happily sit there and debate myself for hours, scribbling arguments and counter-arguments in my notebook while Soundgarden or Pearl Jam filled my room with background noise. It was a lonely time, but I enjoyed it. Sometimes we need to step out for a while.
If I believe any one thing that Freud said, it's the idea that we're all born 'polymorphous perverts'. I can't bring myself to even consider the idea of such things as a 'gay gene'. It's convenient for a lot of people to throw homosexuality or bisexuality into the same box as defects like being blind or deaf. It means not having to confront these things, not having to fly in the face of so much tradition and socialisation.
Nobody is born with an in-built instinct towards heterosexuality and nuclear families and rearing our children the way we do. These are things passed down to us, things taught. They are the church and the school and the family and the media. They aren't 'natural', not by any definition of the word.
We live in a very repressed world, sexually speaking. The most powerful nation in this world is seeking to prevent same-sex marriages. It is trying to pass what is, in essence, anti-love legislation. Religious ideas of fidelity are still alarmingly popular. Porn is bad. Healthy, kinky sex between consenting adults (anal sex, for example) is frowned upon. The 'norm' is still one man and one woman coming together in sexual union for the purposes of procreation, preferably within the sacred institution of marriage.
What year is this again?
For the record, I support gay rights. I support straight rights. I support the rights of any consenting adult who is doing something that he or she enjoys that couldn't and doesn't harm or otherwise injure any other living creature. I don't believe it's the business of any government or institution to interfere with those rights. It's called freedom, and it isn't a difficult concept to grasp.
"I've always felt that sexuality is a really slippery thing. In this day and age, it tends to get categorized and labeled, and I think labels are for food. Canned food."
That's REM vocalist Michael Stipe talking, and I identify strongly with that opinion. It's all too easy for people to label themselves and others, to fall neatly into easily understandable categories. It's a marketing thing, a corporate thing. I refuse to be party to some demographic simply because of my preferences, and I refuse to let those preferences be dictated by others. I don't believe in God, but I don't like to be called an atheist, because that implies a religion all of its own. Similarly, I don't like to be called heterosexual, because that implies that I am incapable of finding a man attractive and comes with a whole set of attachments I simply don't agree with. I've had sexual contact with members of my own gender. Someday, I may fuck someone of my own gender. These aren't things I make grand decisions about. If they happen, they happen, and anybody who wants to judge me is more than welcome to. I intend to live my life as it comes, and if that includes doing things that take me outside of ethical boundaries that I have never recognised, then so be it.
My further adventures in sex have been, for the most part, disappointing. There have been some pretty serious high points, but the vast majority of it has simply been average. I'm happy with my sexuality and comfortable with what I will and will not do. A lot of the people I meet can't say the same. We're a generation very much defined by our insecurities, and I struggle with partners that need constant reassurance. A big part of my ideal partner would be confidence. Not arrogance or ego, just confidence. Just an understanding of who they are, where they've been, and where they'd like to go.
People like that are hard to find. By categorising myself, I'd be closing the door on potential. Why shouldn't I just get on out there and forget about the labels? By the same token, why shouldn't you?
Think about it.
University is traditionally a place for exploring. I was a little ahead of myself in that respect. While all around me were indulging themselves, I was wallowing in self-pity and thinking constantly about the girl I'd lost. I had a good time at university, but in many respects I returned to my previous uptight persona. I smoked and I drank, but that was about it. I just couldn't bring myself to rub salt into the wounds I already had. When I did go off the deep end, it was into alcohol rather than sex. As every man knows, it's difficult to combine the two.
If I could do it again, though, I'd do it the exact same way. University taught me a lot. Whilst living in Cambridge, I was far more an observer than a participant. I watched a lot of strange and desperate behaviour. I sympathised and I empathised. Sometimes I was disgusted, others heartbroken. In the end, what changed was my perspective. I realised a lot of things about my own sexuality and about the way we tend to put those we desire on a pedestal, overlooking their flaws.
I was writing a lot more by then, and articulating those thoughts on paper made it easier for me keep track of them. I could happily sit there and debate myself for hours, scribbling arguments and counter-arguments in my notebook while Soundgarden or Pearl Jam filled my room with background noise. It was a lonely time, but I enjoyed it. Sometimes we need to step out for a while.
If I believe any one thing that Freud said, it's the idea that we're all born 'polymorphous perverts'. I can't bring myself to even consider the idea of such things as a 'gay gene'. It's convenient for a lot of people to throw homosexuality or bisexuality into the same box as defects like being blind or deaf. It means not having to confront these things, not having to fly in the face of so much tradition and socialisation.
Nobody is born with an in-built instinct towards heterosexuality and nuclear families and rearing our children the way we do. These are things passed down to us, things taught. They are the church and the school and the family and the media. They aren't 'natural', not by any definition of the word.
We live in a very repressed world, sexually speaking. The most powerful nation in this world is seeking to prevent same-sex marriages. It is trying to pass what is, in essence, anti-love legislation. Religious ideas of fidelity are still alarmingly popular. Porn is bad. Healthy, kinky sex between consenting adults (anal sex, for example) is frowned upon. The 'norm' is still one man and one woman coming together in sexual union for the purposes of procreation, preferably within the sacred institution of marriage.
What year is this again?
For the record, I support gay rights. I support straight rights. I support the rights of any consenting adult who is doing something that he or she enjoys that couldn't and doesn't harm or otherwise injure any other living creature. I don't believe it's the business of any government or institution to interfere with those rights. It's called freedom, and it isn't a difficult concept to grasp.
"I've always felt that sexuality is a really slippery thing. In this day and age, it tends to get categorized and labeled, and I think labels are for food. Canned food."
That's REM vocalist Michael Stipe talking, and I identify strongly with that opinion. It's all too easy for people to label themselves and others, to fall neatly into easily understandable categories. It's a marketing thing, a corporate thing. I refuse to be party to some demographic simply because of my preferences, and I refuse to let those preferences be dictated by others. I don't believe in God, but I don't like to be called an atheist, because that implies a religion all of its own. Similarly, I don't like to be called heterosexual, because that implies that I am incapable of finding a man attractive and comes with a whole set of attachments I simply don't agree with. I've had sexual contact with members of my own gender. Someday, I may fuck someone of my own gender. These aren't things I make grand decisions about. If they happen, they happen, and anybody who wants to judge me is more than welcome to. I intend to live my life as it comes, and if that includes doing things that take me outside of ethical boundaries that I have never recognised, then so be it.
My further adventures in sex have been, for the most part, disappointing. There have been some pretty serious high points, but the vast majority of it has simply been average. I'm happy with my sexuality and comfortable with what I will and will not do. A lot of the people I meet can't say the same. We're a generation very much defined by our insecurities, and I struggle with partners that need constant reassurance. A big part of my ideal partner would be confidence. Not arrogance or ego, just confidence. Just an understanding of who they are, where they've been, and where they'd like to go.
People like that are hard to find. By categorising myself, I'd be closing the door on potential. Why shouldn't I just get on out there and forget about the labels? By the same token, why shouldn't you?
Think about it.
posted by Michael at 2:16 PM
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