An Antidote
"Hey. Wait. I’ve got a new complaint. Forever in debt to your priceless advice."
Seeing as the blog seemes to be geared towards hate rather than love recently, here's another pet hate of mine: Forwards.
See, I'm not actually interested in your stupid chain letters that promise wish fulfillment if I'll only force your greeting card idea of love onto five of my unwilling friends, and I'm not moronic enough to believe that you actually work for Microsoft and want me to help you test their new features in exchange for money. Neither do I care to contribute any of my hard-earned wage to some orphaned child that you invented because you think you're some kind of clever con-artist and not a complete tool.
I loathe those kinds of forwards. But there is a kind I loathe more. Not because it's worse, but because it comes from people I know. Yes, it's the questionnaire.
'What's your favourite ice cream flavour?'
'What's your middle name?'
'What shoe size are you?'
Fuck off. Why do you care what my answers to these questions are? And why would having this knowledge enrich your life? Are you planning on buying me ice cream and shoes? No. You'll take one read of my reply, chuckle a little at my pathetic attempts to be funny, and then consign it to your recycle bin.
Just by-the-by, when did it become a RECYCLE bin? Are we somehow saving the rainforests by getting rid of junk e-mail? Or is it just a really DUMB idea somebody had to instill a sense of environmental awareness in a generation of kids raised on the internet. The recycle bin. Well, that changed the fucking world, didn't it? Try thinking of a useful feature for Hotmail, like an anti-suck filter. Hell, that'd kill at least three-quarters of the mail I receive on any given day. It'd make me a happier person, too, and stop me wanting to track you down and beat you about the head with a brick.
Whoops. What was I talking about?
Yeah...those questionnaires. I'm so sick of reading the same bland questions with the same bland answers that I've decided to design one myself. This questionnaire will actually help you to learn new and frightening things about your friends and/or enemies. Copy, paste, and send at will. I give you free license.
QUESTIONNAIRE
All questions must be answered truthfully and in less than thirty words. Failure to comply with these rules will result in millions of small children and fluffy animals dying horribly. If you forward this survey to everybody in your address book, beautiful people will suddenly want to perform oral sex on you, George W. Bush will fall into a really big hole, and Bambi's mother will only have sustained a minor flesh wound.
1. What do you wish your parents had named you?
2. When was the last time you hurt somebody (physically or emotionally)?
3. Who are you most jealous of?
4. If you could be a public figure, who would you be and why?
5. Which of the people you're e-mailing this to would you be most likely to sleep with?
6. Why?
7. Who are you going to vote for in the next presidential/general election?
8. Why? (If you're not going to vote, explain why not)
9. What was the last thing you said that you didn't mean?
10. What was the last thing you said to make yourself look good?
11. Name one person you pretend to like but don't.
12. What's the most painful thing that's ever happened to you?
13. Have you ever attempted suicide? Why?
14. What's your biggest regret?
15. When was the last time you masturbated?
16. What were you thinking about?
17. How much do you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?
18. If I asked you to close your eyes and think of love, whose face would you see first?
19. What if I asked you to think of hate?
20. Write your epitaph.
There. Fill out your own answers and post them in the comments box, if you so desire. If not, well, fuck you.
Seeing as the blog seemes to be geared towards hate rather than love recently, here's another pet hate of mine: Forwards.
See, I'm not actually interested in your stupid chain letters that promise wish fulfillment if I'll only force your greeting card idea of love onto five of my unwilling friends, and I'm not moronic enough to believe that you actually work for Microsoft and want me to help you test their new features in exchange for money. Neither do I care to contribute any of my hard-earned wage to some orphaned child that you invented because you think you're some kind of clever con-artist and not a complete tool.
I loathe those kinds of forwards. But there is a kind I loathe more. Not because it's worse, but because it comes from people I know. Yes, it's the questionnaire.
'What's your favourite ice cream flavour?'
'What's your middle name?'
'What shoe size are you?'
Fuck off. Why do you care what my answers to these questions are? And why would having this knowledge enrich your life? Are you planning on buying me ice cream and shoes? No. You'll take one read of my reply, chuckle a little at my pathetic attempts to be funny, and then consign it to your recycle bin.
Just by-the-by, when did it become a RECYCLE bin? Are we somehow saving the rainforests by getting rid of junk e-mail? Or is it just a really DUMB idea somebody had to instill a sense of environmental awareness in a generation of kids raised on the internet. The recycle bin. Well, that changed the fucking world, didn't it? Try thinking of a useful feature for Hotmail, like an anti-suck filter. Hell, that'd kill at least three-quarters of the mail I receive on any given day. It'd make me a happier person, too, and stop me wanting to track you down and beat you about the head with a brick.
Whoops. What was I talking about?
Yeah...those questionnaires. I'm so sick of reading the same bland questions with the same bland answers that I've decided to design one myself. This questionnaire will actually help you to learn new and frightening things about your friends and/or enemies. Copy, paste, and send at will. I give you free license.
QUESTIONNAIRE
All questions must be answered truthfully and in less than thirty words. Failure to comply with these rules will result in millions of small children and fluffy animals dying horribly. If you forward this survey to everybody in your address book, beautiful people will suddenly want to perform oral sex on you, George W. Bush will fall into a really big hole, and Bambi's mother will only have sustained a minor flesh wound.
1. What do you wish your parents had named you?
2. When was the last time you hurt somebody (physically or emotionally)?
3. Who are you most jealous of?
4. If you could be a public figure, who would you be and why?
5. Which of the people you're e-mailing this to would you be most likely to sleep with?
6. Why?
7. Who are you going to vote for in the next presidential/general election?
8. Why? (If you're not going to vote, explain why not)
9. What was the last thing you said that you didn't mean?
10. What was the last thing you said to make yourself look good?
11. Name one person you pretend to like but don't.
12. What's the most painful thing that's ever happened to you?
13. Have you ever attempted suicide? Why?
14. What's your biggest regret?
15. When was the last time you masturbated?
16. What were you thinking about?
17. How much do you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?
18. If I asked you to close your eyes and think of love, whose face would you see first?
19. What if I asked you to think of hate?
20. Write your epitaph.
There. Fill out your own answers and post them in the comments box, if you so desire. If not, well, fuck you.
posted by Michael at 1:27 PM
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